Abstinent Day 4

Funny to read my previous post's entry. "Addictive eating no more"

The good news is that I keep trying to stay abstinent from refined flour, processed sugar, chips, and caffeine! Yes I'm at it again and maybe, just maybe, I will not regress. I'm so tired of my past eating habits. I'm so ready to move forward from my unhealthy ways.

I'm up to 195lbs, the last time I weighed myself at least. I could have crept up a pound or two. OMG, 198 oh my! I never thought I'd be back in this neighborhood, but alas, here I am! I've been waiting to post until I had a few days under my belt. I didn't want any one day false starts. Like I've been doing for the past freaking year! "Today's the day I start abstaining! For fuckin sure this time!" Shea right!

Feels good to write again. Tonight was my wife's christmas party and I actually ate sensibly! What a freaking concept! Thank you God for giving me the strength to not share that lava cake with my wife! I kept looking at it! Debating! I didn't give it TOO much thought however! Thank god! I abstained and I'm thankful! I am just a little hungry right now, which is why I'm writing! I will most likely have some fruit. Even though it's 11:30pm and I could easily go to bed. I'm most likely going to have maybe a banana and some a bite or two of the raw chocolate treat I've paid $8 for from whole foods! Whatever! It is a serious treat for me! I just need to figure out how to make them myself. (All in good time!)

Keeping it real & grateful!

Addictive eating no more...

I'm not sure how it happened, but I've been raw since the first day of Autumn and I feel pretty darn good! Not sure where to begin except that I made the decision not knowing it was the first day of fall. It realized this a couple of days into it and it seems quite fitting for it to fall on this date. For the longest time I've been trying to come up with the "perfect date" to start my new way of eating...New Years Eve, New Years Day, April 1st, (my AA birthday), July 1st, my wife's birthday....I don't know why, but I wanted to make it a special day.

I'm sure I'll start blogging lots more now...I've got lots I need to get out of my system...I just hope I make sense!

Today I felt like I had some detox symptoms...like I do when I eat dairy....I started sneezing a few times, then my nose just ran and ran for 30 minutes maybe. Hmmmm....I expect lots of detox symptoms in the days and weeks to come!

I'm happy to finally start my journey!

Food Log:

64 oz of green smoothy
64 oz of water
1/2 cantelope
couple slices of orange
nut burger from cafe gratitude
some live nuts (from whole foods)
few figs
some sliced tomatoes
12 oz of kombucha tea

My plan is to start a fast either tomorrow or Monday. I will prepare the juice tomorrow...enough for a few days.

It's been a while...

Have been mindfully staying away from posting. Hmmm.... I enjoy writing, so how come! I know why! I've been too busy! I'm too tired! I have nothing to say! What does it matter, anyhow? No one really cares, so why should I care? Too funny! All these excuses sound wonderfully valid. Some are, but most are just that--excuses. To be honest, I just enjoyed reading my last post! Or part of it! It's interesting, how much I struggle with my addictions. Especially food and coffee!

I need to start writing again! It's good for me to get stuff out! I also need to start hand writing in my journal! I will try not to be too self conscious about what I write about and just write. I'm confident that I'm not the only person struggling with intake choices!

My wife and I recently got away to Calistoga and Mendocino for a few days. Ahhh....it was sooo nice to be away from the hustle and bustle of daily life.

The highlights were as follows:

1. Made love a lot
2. Stayed at Indian Springs resort for 2 nights and swam (floated) in the hot spring pool for long periods of time late at night under a blanket of stars.
3. Enjoyed my first mud bath
4. Stumbled upon Farm Sanctuary in the local book store.
5. Experienced my first fresh water spring. (Very Cool find)
6. Spent quality time my wife
7. Stayed 2 nights at the Stanford Inn. (The only thing it was missing was an olympic sized natural hot spring pool)

The whole trip was great! Our kids were in summer camp all week and we got away! It was nice to be apart, but it was also nice to re-unite with them at the end of the week!

So I just got done reading Farm Sanctuary! What a great book! It was a good reminder for me to why my food choices matter. Especially my reasons for not eating meat and for inspiring me to continue to strive to be 100% raw vegan.

I'm getting tired...so it's time for me to retire. Besides I feel like I'm rambling anyhow...I made a ton of juice today...so the plan is to juice tomorrow and get pumped up to start my fasting journey asap...

Green juice, green smoothies, OH MY...

What a difference a day makes. I'm so glad this day is almost over and I can plop into bed for a pleasant slumber! OMG...I had the hardest time falling asleep last night because of my coffee consumption! I knew it too! Since my body did not have any coffee for at least a week or more, I was super sensitive! I knew I was going to have a hard time of it! I think I actually thought I'd just have a small coffee or a grande! Oh no, not me dude! I have a Venti! It's like a tall beer or a pint of Lager! Then i go back for one more, when the caffeine buzz is really on! Like it's going to get better or something. Actually, I got cotton mouth and felt pretty lousy after about an hour or so after finishing my second Venti!

I think I've learned my lesson! I don't like the way caffeine makes me feel. Not to mention all the negative effects it has on your body! I've been re-reading a lot of the literature I have on caffeine and it really does help to keep me focused on why I need to stay far away from the stuff!

Intake:

32 oz Lemon water with MSM
32 oz of greeen smoothie
32 oz of greeen juice
64 oz of water
10 chlorella tabs
10 spirulina tabs
1 TBS bee pollen
2 bananas

I felt really great and was going to stay raw, but the Indian food we purchased last night was calling my name, "one last time"!!

I should have stuck with my plan, because I had plenty of energy prior to consuming the indian food!!

17 Days...not too bad

17 is a far cry from 90! But...I'll take 17 over 3 0r 4 any day! 17 days and I faltered! It was a good run, but I'm stoked to be raw currently! I think I may have gone to that place of doneness with cooked food! I did eat cooked after my 17 days--straight away as I recall! It didn't take me long before I lost all that I had gained and worked so hard for.

Oh well! It is a journey! I'm feeling really strong and ready to commit, again! I really want to be the change I wish to see in the world. I have so, so many dreams, goals, ambitions, and creative ideas I can't be bogged down with cooked food sluggishness! No way! I'm actually tired slightly from eating too many fats, but hey, it's raw! I'm sure I'll be fasting again very soon! I'll be ramping up to actually make my goal of 90 days!

I've had a ton of gas today, and I'm not sure why? Maybe too much chlorella??

Looking forward to reconnecting with other raw fooders and folks that can relate to my struggles with cooked food!

Blessings to all,

Freshness

Stressed out...ARGH!!!

Yeah....I'm fucking stressed out!! To the max!! I'm seriously trying to hold it all together, but the last couple of days have been challenging to say the least. The biggest challenge was to not eat and stay the course on my fasting journey. I received my first phone call from a bill collector! FUCK!! I just can't stand the fact that this is happening to us! I just have to remember that we are not alone! We aren't the only people that have debt and have suffered a major setback! WHEN we get out of this mess! This is going to be it!! I will never ever be a slave to credit again!! It wasn't supposed to be like this! No it was not! I was ready for bed and thought I'd post a few words, but now I'm getting myself all worked up. I did make it to a couple of meetings and the certainly helped! It is getting easier, but my ego is taking a beating.

I'm thankful to be juicing. Thank you GOD for another day of juicing! I am truly grateful!

-Freshness

Day 9 & 10...Good & Bad!!

10:14pm

The good day was today! Had a GREAT day! I thought I was done with the coffee, but I had a cup this morning. (Actually, it was 3! Ha, ha!) I don't think my body will handle it as well tomorrow!! I was REALLY jacked up on the caffeine! I thoroughly enjoyed....kind of! Actually, I think I would have been slightly more productive if I hadn't had the coffee, but, god damn it, I know when I'm done this time, I SERIOUSLY DONE!! SERIOUSLY!! I've had enough coffee in my lifetime to know that this addict...is addicted to it! I seriously can't believe I thought I could stop last February after having "just one cup"--because I was on "vacation"! Too funny! Not really! I love the aroma, I love the scene, and really, really love the buzz!! Whatever...enough about coffee!

We went to a going away event for a family who's moving out of the area this evening. Lots & lots of food and drink! I had plenty of green juice today as well as lots of lemon water too. It was really great to be PRESENT with the folks I got to interact with! I can't express how amazing it felt to really be there in the moment with everyone. I felt more handsome and slender. Not that that means really means anything except that I was generating positive energy and felt like I was able to share that in the most subtle of ways! (Does that make sense?)

My wife happened to read an email reply from a friend of my intention to go 90 days on my juice fast. I knew she'd react the way that she did when she found out and this is the reason I haven't really shared with her my real goal, initially. I think she just thought I was fasting "again". She's like, "that's like a whole a third of a year!!" I tried to down play it by telling her that she was wrong and that it was only one quarter of a year. I guess when you put it in that context it really is a long time. I did not go into the context of looking at it as your life span.

I've got lots to share with her regarding my goals and life direction! It has to be the right time and place. I can tell that this is going to be a life changing fast/feast for me! It has to be! I'm at a critical turning point in my life! So many life decisions to make are coming up for me and my family. It's really quite uncomfortable at times when I think about everything. I'll address a lot of this stuff as I go here, cause it feels good to get it out! For starters, I was laid off from my tech job in November and the prospects of finding a new job in the same field are discouraging, thus far. We are running out of money at a rapid pace. I applied for a mortgage modification program today to get our payments reduced! Anyway...being unemployed for the first time ever is kind of an ego buster, to put it lightly! I've been trying to figure out my "life" passion/direction for some time and I think I've figured it out! Kind of....more on that later! I'm now getting sleepy and need to retire for the night.

Day 8...Good Day today

10:49pm

Today was a great day! Had really good energy pretty much all day long. I went to a noon AA meeting and heard some really good stuff! Got my haircut--it always feels great to get my haircut! I keep wanting to "grow it out", but it's just easier when it's short! I dunno! I spent several hours in the library reading. Went to a buddy's house and picked a bunch of meyer lemons! OMG!! I couldn't believe how many lemons he had on this tree! I was in lemon heaven!! LOL! I have at least one quart of lemon water with msm, and cayenne every morning! I've only missed a few days out of the whole year! I don't think I've had to buy any lemons. I've got this lemon circuit I hit every few weeks! I've always got my eyes peeled while driving the neighborhood as well. Funny!

Anyhow...I can see and feel the subtle changes going on inside and out. Oh, how I've missed this feeling! There's a saying in OA, nothing tastes better than abstinence feels! My senses have started to heighten as well. Hearing, smells,

Emily and I took Roxy for a nice evening stroll! I love spending 1:1 time with my daughters! I know she enjoys it as well! I love that I have the energy to "WANT" to go for an evening stroll with my daughter! Let's see! There was tons of cooked food in the fridge, that I could have/would have eaten today! Who knows what I would have been focused on THIS day? Everyday has been different! Today it's Indian, yesterday was pizza, tomorrow could be the Mexican joint or Mediterranean place I loved to frequent. I'm grateful to say that cooked food was not my focus today! I'm so grateful I got turned on to raw foods and fasting!

I got to end my day with bringing an AA meeting to a recovery home for troubled youth boys!! It was so powerful! The stuff they shared at the meeting made my week! OMG! I'm so grateful that I'm sober from alcohol and marijuana and I get to share my message of hope to others that struggle! Being of service is REALLY what it's all about! Thank you for today!

What a FULL day I had! NOW I'm ready for bed!

Peace & Love to all

I think I'm going to make it!!

Day 3

I know I've written the following words several times before, but I need to continue to admit that I'm a food addict and a compulsive over eater! As much as it pains me to admit defeat, I have finally submitted! FUCK trying to figure this food thing out on my own! Whether trying to eat more raw foods, or even just trying to eat more healthy, if I have any refined flours I'm fucked!! I now know that I cannot indulge even the slightest bit. If I do, I start craving more! More on my addiction to certain foods later.

Ok this day is almost over and I've been fasting for the last 3 days! Pretty big milestone for me since I've attempted to start this fast at least 3x already and have faltered on Day 3! This is a Big Deal for me!!

Today I got some tattoo work done. I did not want to cancel may appointment as the artist in booked 3 months out. (Picture to be added later.) It was an add on to my existing tattoo on my left arm. It wasn't as painful as my the first time, but OMG, "Yeah, it fucking hurts"! I have a tribal band on my left arm and it's the inside of the bicep that is really tender! I played some Nirvana on my ipod and "checked out"! Needless to say, it took a toll on my energy and I was super duper tired afterwards.

Update: Day 5

My arm is healing nicely! Feeling very good about actually making my 90+ day goal! I did catch myself negotiate starting over, AGAIN! "Fuck that!" I finally told my addicted self! I got on the phone and talked to a friend in recovery about my thoughts and feelings. It really helped to take the power away from the compulsion! Once I take a bite of cooked bread or chips, I don't want healthy! My mind craves and starts to obsess about what I'm going to eat and it's always cooked vs. not cooked! Hmmmm......I do have an action plan that I'll write about later.

--Think Positive & Love All

Day 5

Update: 6:16pm

Currently feeling tired from a full day with the children. Helping my daughter with her science fair project as well as working on their bedroom. We've got mold growing behind the dresser from a water leak last summer! Crap! I cut out the affected carpet and sheetrock on the wall! Does not appear to be have gotten onto the studs underneath. Thank goodness! What a day! I'm officially poopied and ready for a giant glass of green juice.

Day 6

11:20p

Oh Boy, the day is almost over! Thank goodness!! I had a pretty busy day today. I did run out of juice and decided to make have some green smoothy to hold me over till tomorrow! Hmmmmm.......don't know if I'm going to do that again. It kind of got my stomach growling a bit in the afternoon! I put tons of goodies in it, so I was stoked to partake, but I could feel the hunger pains creeping back and it kind of bummed me out, slightly.

I came home in the afternoon and my wife was making some kind of yummy smelling casserole with cheese, onions, mushrooms and savory stuff like that! She also make a soup that looked really great as well! Good for her I thought. I had gone to the store and loaded up with greens and some fruit in preperation for my juice making task I'll get done first thing in the morning.

I had a venti coffee at starbucks this morning while. I was on the fence about having anymore coffee, but decided to have one during the meeting. Hmmm.....not sure I'll have anymore coffee going forward. I've been struggling since last February with getting off coffee after my last long fast! I really didn't plan on drinking it for 11 more months. We were on vacation in Lake Tahoe when I decided to have a cup. You know, because I was on "vacation" and it seemed like such a great idea! I love coffee! I love the aroma of coffee. I love the idea of drinking a fresh cup of joe! I really, really, love the effects of the caffeine buzz from coffee! But I'm an addict and I guess it only makes sense, that I do! I also know that after a while, I get tired of drinking it and get bummed that I "have" to drink it otherwise I start to feel lethargic! I dislike that feeling very much! It takes me about 3 days of feeling sleepy right around 12-2pm. We'll see how it goes! I'll post tomorrow.

Enough rambling about coffee. I'm tired and it's time to hit it. I love my restful sleep induced by this fast!

--Fresh out

Progress not perfection

The first day is always the hardest to get through! I got home around dinner time. I faltered! Oh well! I'm going to get right back on the saddle and give her another try! I love that it's a new day and I get to start over! I'm grateful for today! I'm grateful!!

First Day of a new beginning!!

Day One

OK here I go! Ha ha...I just checked to see when I started my fast last year! It was one day earlier! Last year I did start on January 1st, but faltered on day 4!! I was out of town New Years Eve and was not in good place to start a proper juice fast as I had planned for the coming New Year! Now that I'm back in town, it's really pissing me off that I'm unable to make a successful start! Blogging works for me! Putting my intentions into visible text for everyone to see helps me gain momentum! I turned 41 on the 12/27/08! I'll be damned if I go another fucking year on this fucked up roller coaster! I'm fasting as of NOW and I refuse to look back--only forward! My last cooked food item I ate was a homemade chocolate chip cookie; made by "yours truly"!

Man o man...does it feel so good to officially start with my master plan--more details to come!! I am a cooked food addict!! I am really, really miserable right now!! Mostly, because I'm really got a few extra pounds that are starting to make me very uncomfortable!! FUCK THAT!! I'm ready to take control, with a little help from my higher power, which I choose to call GOD!!

I'll take pictures tomorrow! I must have gained 5-10 lbs since Thanksgiving!! Besides the weight I'm not happy with a few other areas of my life!! I want change and change is a coming!! It has to come! I've been praying for strength! I know I can do this! I'm so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired! I've been doing the same thing over and over and over again and NOTHING has really changed for me!! I'm spent!! It's officially over!!

I will report back tomorrow!! If there is anybody out there that happens to read this, please leave me some words of encouragement! I need to get reconnected with the loving accepting raw food community!

It's late, I've got lots to say and hopefully as the fog lifts, I will start to make more sense and make good decisions on some really important issues that are coming up quickly in my life!! OMG!