12/2/11

No caffeine today.  I ended up taking a nap before work @ 1:30 for 30min.  It appears to have done the trick.  Got lots of stuff done today in the office.  I was super productive. Feels really good to make progress there.  I'm such the procrastinator.  

Will hit Bikram Yoga tomorrow and should make the 10am OA meeting in Santa Clara.  I'm ready to find a sponsor and start working the steps there too.

12/3/11

Update: Next Day....ended up ordering pizza and bread sticks at work last night.  I think it pushed me over the edge.  I may have been feeling guilty or just fucking crazy and seriously was trying to think of a reason to use....get high and or drink a few beers.  I so wanted to just start over....in my mind I was going to make the deal that i will start fresh tomorrow and have the same sobriety date as my abstinent date...great idea!  Let's just fucking use tonight and start over, AGAIN, tomorrow...I was totally going to if my daughter would have only slept in my bed last night!  Sometimes she likes to sleep in our bed and I'll gladly take her bed, therefore, "getting away" with drinking or whatever!!!  But she didn't take the bait!  I obsessed on it for at least 4 hours while at work...any other night and I would have gone through with it even with a glass or two of vino to tuck me in...vino makes me sleepy...instead, I drove to the midnight AA meeting!  I started to make a recording on my iPhone to talk about my wanting to use and ended up screaming my lungs out and balling like a fucking baby!  Arghhhh!  I was so frustrated with being a fucking addict and not being fucking normal!!  Frustrated that I couldn't come up with a good enough reason to use and drink that night................OMG....it felt good to release that tension!  It was a very exhausting drive to the meeting, but I was so glad I went.  I heard a great message and was ready for bed when I got home!  Not before eating some more for good measure.

My new sobriety date just happens to be the date that my good fried passed away.  It wasn't my plan, but it's interesting because I've been trying to come up with a "cool date" since I relapsed.  My original date was April fools day 4/1/06.  I dunno, I thought it was a good date!  It was almost 4th of July of last year.  11/11/2011 would have been a good one!  Then Dan passed away and it just so happened that I intentionally planned to stop for good!  That's it!  No Joke!  One last time, again, to get high and drink some alcohol.  I even video taped the occasion.  I woke up feeling less than 100% but was 110% committed to be sober!  THIS TIME!  

Anyhow...I think I turned the corner in my sobriety!  I just need to get through the steps!...

Today was a completely different day than most other days!  I've pretty much fasted all day today on smoothies, green juice, oj/cran juice, and some coffee.....Yes, I did have some coffee.  I had quite the food fucking hangover this morning, I thought I'd have some coffee!  It was good and I thoroughly enjoyed it!  

I went to an OA meeting this morning and wash't feeling it!  I dunno!  Maybe I'll just my food issues and categorize them as a character defect, which they are, and ask god to remove them!  Progress not perfection.  Hmm.....this may work....

Tomorrow we go to the symphony!  Should be awesome!  More later!  

--Namaste

Tomorrow's a new day...

I proved it, yet again, that I'm unable to drink coffee and try and eat right or plan to fast.  I did that one other time, but that was a long time ago!  I had a coffee today after my job was complete around noon.  I know, I wasn't planning on having any coffee, EVER AGAIN, but I guess I wanted to try it again.  This may be the first time, that I've written about it post relapse.  Hey, at least it wasn't cannibis or alcohol.  My new sobriety date is growing on me.  Maybe tomorrow will be my new abstinence date!  We'll see!  I'm not planning on drinking coffee tomorrow.  Fuck that!  It was really good about 1 hour after drinking the coffee, but by the time I arrived back home, I already regretted drinking it.  I was still going to stick to my healthy eating plan, but by the time 5pm rolled around, I was already thinking about fried food and trying to suck up the caffeine with shitty foods!  Oh well, I did it again!  It really is like alcohol to me.  No matter how much health education I ingest into my mind.  No matter how much I really, really want and honestly desire to eat a certain, specific way; I'm having trouble trying to control my eating!  I really, really feel powerless over certain foods and it really makes my ego very very sad that I can't suck it up and stick to my program!  My sober brain looks at this as an opportunity for growth in the OA program.  My ego is so upset that I'm even thinking about needing help with my eating!  "What the fucks a matter with you that you fucking can't control your fucking eating!"   I was thinking about that today!  I guess I really am an addict to a lot of things!  I just don't want to continue to struggle with my weight!  Thank god I'm vane!  OMG!  Thank god I care about how I look!  I truly do!  I know I'm not alone here!  I sure hope I can help someone else with this terrible terrible fucking food issue!  OK....I'm done venting! More later!

--Namaste

Days 1 thru 3-->No caffeine...

10:11am

So Far so good!  Had a good nights rest last night.  Slept pretty solid.  No coffee this am, and I'm not planning on having any today.  Shouldn't be a big struggle.  Day 1's typically aren't too big of an issue.  It's day 5, 6, and 7 that normally starting shouting at me that I need to get some coffee in my system.  That too is when I start feeling good!  Good thing I'm off today from my regular job.  I'm going to Bikram Yoga at noon.  I have a couple of appointments this afternoon with my side business.  Then plan on going to the 7pm AA meeting tonight.  I'll try and post later.  

Today's intake:

1 cup of chai tea

32oz of water
32oz of green smoothy
1 orange
Thanksgiving left overs
desert

I feel really good about not having any coffee today!  Very ready for bed right now.  Just wanted to get some text to the blog.

Bikram Yoga
Tried a different yoga studio today!  I was very disappointed, but happy that I know about the setup and all that Jazz.  I swear, my yoga studio totally rocks!  Not that I've been to that many studios, but the ones that I have gone too, were not as satisfying.  Every one of them were not as hot as our studio.  Funny thing is, that was before they upgraded their heating system.  You know you're going to sweat good when you go to Bikram in Santa Clara, CA!!  I could also complain about a few of our teachers, but the one today, was so weak!  I mean, come on...I want to hear the dialog.  I want to feel the dialog being spoken with intensity!  All of our instructors are just super passionate and it comes across in the way they speak the dialog.  I did sweat.  I did get a fairly good work out considering, I didn't have a mirror to look into to check my posture.  I was in front of the glass door, and could see only a slight reflection of myself in the glass!  Whatever!!  The humidifier in the room sounded like a diesel engine!  It was so loud, you could barely hear the instructor.  I dunno!  There are other studios I want to check out in the bay area, but I kinda don't want to waste my 90 minutes.  I have so little free time as it is!!  It's all good.  I just wanted to vent!

Day 2   No caffeine

Thought I'd combine my posts since I didn't actually post last night.  I was too tired by the time I got around to it.

Sleep was good last night.  It was really heavy.  I didn't roll out of bed til 9amish.  Got to bed around 12am last night.  I had some trippy dreams, that I've already forgotten mostly.  I do remember that flickster was in it!  Pretty odd....

I tried to make Bikram today, but my appointment ran over.  Oh well....for sure tomorrow!  I did end up napping on my break this evening.  Hopefully tomorrow will be the last of my afternoon / evening naps.  This is what coming off caffeine means to my body.  I get really lethargic for at least 3-4 days....and i fucking hate it!  I hate having low energy!  The key will be not to indulge after days 5-7 when I really get off on the caffeine high.  I'm tired of the up and downs.  Eventually, the caffeine stops working as well as it did when I go off for several days then start again.  It's amazing what plays in my head after being off for a while.  I get these triggers and most of the time I act on them.  I will try to remember to meditate and take some deep breaths.  Maybe I'll take Bella on a rollerblade or bounce on my trampoline to get my lymph system circulating.

Day 3 No caffeine

I didn't publish this last night so I thought I'd just continue with status update.

Slept in again this morning.  Had a good restful sleep last night.  I remember my wife pushing me to roll over.  I was snoring/breathing loudly.  I'm wondering if I start eating more cleanly as well as not eating so late and losing weight will arrest my snoring!  I hate that she nudges me so often because of that issue.   I'm actually planning on fasting for a few days on green juice and smoothies.  I'd like to drop a few pounds before Mexico.  So far so good today.

Intake:

64oz of water
10oz chai tea
48oz of green smoothy


Bikram Yoga was awesome today.  Super hot!  Excellent instructor!  It was so challenging getting through the class, but I did!  Taking the day off tomorrow.  I have an customer to see in San Francisco and will most likely not have time.  Maybe I'll catch a noon meeting there or somewhere in between.  Plan on going to the midnight meeting tonight at SNL.  I'm glad I got an early night tonight.

I did end up having to take a nap tonight at break time.  Hopefully I won't have to tomorrow night.  I've had mostly good energy this evening.  I was a little tired just before noon yoga gave me some good energy.  Hope to have more tomorrow.

Feeling good today

Heeeey!  Thought I'd write a little before bed.  It's been an interesting last couple of weeks!  Everything is good and I'm grateful to be sober today!  Well, at least sober from alcohol and cannibis.  (side note: Funny that the word cannibis is indicated as being mis-spelled, but it safari doesn't' have an alternate word...not that i care)  My intention is to get myself to an OA meeting very soon!  I feel like I'm ready to take a step in the direction of food addiction recovery!  OMG, I appear to very powerless over some foods and caffeine!  Granted to today was our family's day to celebrate Thanksgiving with an excellent meal and shared with some good friends!  But, I've been feeling like this for some time.  I feel like recovery from alcohol and pot must also include some recovery from other addictive substances that consume my brain.  I so want to be free from my desire to use addictively and to really feel the natural energy that I have internally!  Lately, I've been spending $7 a day on starbucks coffee---> 1 venti coffee and 1 venti eggnog late...I'm starting to develop a tolerance for this amount and it's not having the desired effects that I get when, say, i've been off of caffeine for a few days then drink again!  It seems like i've been on this roller coaster ride for some time.  I've been trying to "control" my intake!  I've been trying to read healthy books, listen to healthy podcasts, purchase healthy foods and supplements only to fail miserably with my latest and greatest plan!  I'm getting tired and feeling sick and tired!  I feel like I'm ready let go and humbly ask for help!  My ego tells me i can do it myself, FUCK THAT!  YOU CAN DO IT!!  LoSER!! Fuck head!  Whatever!  I'm so over it!  I'm ready to stop driving the bus!

I've been regularly attending meetings in AA as 12am.  I get off at 11pm and it's a great way for me to get a meeting in before I end the day!  My days are packed!  I feel like if I ate better I'd get more done as well!  Why not ask for help!  All I'm going to do is work the 12 steps of OA with a someone that is doing the as well!  I think today was my 5 meeting in a row!  It's amazing how the 12 programs work!  I feel so much better!   OK...I'm tired...my plan tomorrow is not to have any coffee!  I will try and post more often!

Boy Oh Boy

Better late than never! Yes...I'm back! I like saying that! I haven't re-read my previous posts in some time, but the last few that I glanced at I observed those words "i'm back" in the first paragraph. Well it's true I guess! I should totally be writing more! I really should be documenting my crazy ideas that go on in my head! Maybe it will help me or someone (like my family) understand me better! So here I go...I'm going to write a little bit and hopefully I will build on the momentum!

Here we go! It's no secret that I struggle from addiction! I'm addicted to alcohol, food, and coffee! I struggle with my mind about being perfect! Perfect is probably too strong of a word. But ever since I became a father, I have struggled to be the best parent I can be! I believe the reason I sought help from my drinking was because of my girls! Uhh....not sure where I'm going with this...I think I could write a novel with this stuff, but I'm not going to now...putting on the breaks....I'll conitue this story some other time.

Thank god I have a strong understanding wife! She's absolutely amazing in every way! She's not perfect! NOBODY is perfect! No way!! Not even god! What??? More on that some other day, maybe! lol...anywhoo...I started drinking again over a year ago June?? I can honestly say, that I didn't think it was going to be this hard getting back to not drinking. Yes it's been hard! I love the effect of alcohol. Too bad there are consequences to drinking too much! Otherwise, I'd be all in all the time! Fuck hangovers! I hate them and therefore, I'm making another, final, resolve to abstain! No mas! I'm done! Finito! I will start going back to AA meetings to supplement, my powerful mind! If I drink again, I will not take another toke of MJ! No I won't! I will have proven to myself that all roads lead back to the allure of the drink! It's not a death sentence! It's a great way to live! I used to love going to AA meetings! I don't think MJ is a problem for me and plan to only use it very sparingly! I will honestly report back my adventures in regards to alcohol, MJ, food, coffee and the like!

Yes, I need to get everything on the table and document my feelings, thoughts, and actions. In addition to random musings and writings. I do hope this will be of some value to my girls some day!

Yesterday, I did go to a BK yoga class! It felt so good to get back there! I'm so grateful it wasn't a hot class! It only felt mildly hot! It had been over 2 weeks since my last class, so I knew it should have been tougher! I love Bikram Yoga! I love how much I sweat! I love that it strengthens my back as well as my core! God give me strength and motivation to get my butt in a class more often! I was going to the 7am class frequently! At least a few days a week. That's after working

Starting a new

It's me! I'm back! I am still alive! The good news is I've been 100% raw all day today! Yahoo! I am tired however and don't know how long this post will be. A lot going on in my life in general. I am sober today and it feels really good! I plan on keeping this sobriety date! Its just a few days shy of my 1 year since I broke my abstinence with alchohol! Definitely a big deal! I'm so tired! I'm so tired of drinking and hiding my drinking and worrying about who's going to catch me and all the stuff that goes along with being an alcoholic with 4 + years of AA! It's not fun! I did have some fun...but mostly it was taking me away from real life! So more of my story to come...but for now I just wanted to post something....Again....I love writing my thoughts in a public forum such as this! So here it is! More to come! I should be 100% raw tomorrow as well. If I'm lucky I'll get to Bikram!

Namaste!
'

Fuck the Rules

Yes...I guess I've tried lots of ideas and gimmiks to try and gain control of my addictions. I've come to the sad or, more importantly, liberating conclusion that I am powerless over everything in my life! I'm Especially powerless over food and alcohol!

New Rules Needed

Yes, today is/was Oscar night and I knew I'd be going to a party so I decided not to have any rules! I did have some coffee today, so I'm pretty wired after not having any for a couple of days. This is how I roll! The caffeine buzz is more intense than if I were to have it daily! Certainly enjoyed my brew today! It was a beautiful day around here! I got to go to San Francisco for a few hours. I was at my customer's place and when I walked in, I could smell the aroma of coffee. Hmmmm.....I wasn't planning on having any, but when it was graciously offered, I accepted. Ahhhh...twas good to the last drop.

Unfortunately, I was unable to get to exercise today, but Bikram tomorrow for sure.

New Rules:
No Coffee for 45 days starting tomorrow!
Start 30 day Bikram challenge tomorrow!
Eat only unrefined, unprocessed, whole foods for 45 days starting tomorrow

I think this is a good set of rules to live by for the next 30 - 45 days. My goal is to drop at least 10 lbs for starters. Ultimately, my long term goal is to be in the low 180's. I'm currently at 202 lbs. I'm very tired of the extra weight I've been holding onto for months. In addition to losing weight, I'd like to get my body back to optimum homeostasis. I'm tired of the flareups that I've had the last several weeks; both knees, my right shoulder, last night the top of my right foot. Auto-immune disease! Fuck that! I need to start testing my food/flare up theory. And so this set of new rules will be a good step in the right direction!

Intake:
1 quart of spring water
1 quart of grapefruit/spring water juice
1 venti coffee
1 1/2 c of coffee
1 banana
couple of cups of soda
random fingerfoods at party

Ok...I'll check in tomorrow and update then!

--Cheers

So Far So Good

I've done really well today and am very please with my intake overall. The day is about over and I'm about to make myself my late night snack treat. I had this last night and it really hit the spot and have been looking forward to it since about 6pm. My creation is sliced bananas in a bowl, topped with honey, add granola, 3/4c of yogurt and thawed blueberries from the freezer. So yummy!

Intake:
1 quart of water
1 apple
handful of raw almonds
1 orange
steamed asparagus with feta and sauteed mushrooms
1 hard boiled egg
2 quarts of green smoothy (mixed with 50% green juice)
banana yogurt treat

I was struggling earlier. I was craving more cooked food. I listened to and watched some inspirational videos and talks from my favorite raw food peeps. I love listening to Daniel Vitalis, David Wolfe, Anthony Anderson, Jason Wrobrel, Patrick Tempone, and the host of Natural News. I'm so glad I got through today. I didn't write down any New Rules earlier, so that gave me an opening to eat bad things, but I'm tired of it. I'm ready to change! Writing helps!

Terrible Eating day

Exercise: Bikram Yoga

Intake yesterday: (do I dare, report!)

1 serving chicken terriyake from trader joes
1 peanut butter choc chip cookie
1 apple turnover
1 choc cover donut
1.75 pieces of cheese pizza
1 bag of lays barbecue chips
1 bowl of cereal (cocoa puffs)
1/4 piece of cinnabun
1/2 bowl of soup
2 quarts of water
1 quart of green juice/smoothy

OMG...that's a lot of crap, I know. Not good! Good thing today is a new day and I get to start over...My intention is to start living my ideals and values more consistently. I keep thinking that I can do this on my own...without the help of Overeaters Anonymous! Is it my ego that tells me that we can do it? I so want to start living my life with intention and purpose....I feel like I'm straying too far from where I want to go and to where I've been! I feel better when my diet is more clean!

I've been playing around with a new idea I'm calling New Rules! The rule of New Rules is for me to start living by the New Rule that follows the rule. i.e., New Rule: No coffee today or No coffee for 3 days...then follow it to the letter...No Matter What!! I guess I can put the rule here vs. my hard copy journal. I like writing, but typing is so much more fluid and easier for me to do! Not to mention its more convenient. So what's my New Rule for today?

OK "Let's do THiS:

New Rule:
No processed crap! Eat only raw unprocessed foods just for today. NO MATTER WHAT!

I plan to have one more cup of coffee and that will be it as far as! I'll update my progress later today.

So, the deal is, I have to do this. New Rules needs to have meaning in my life! Otherwise, I have to admit I really don't have control! So...we will see!

12:32am, Update:
So this is great, so far so good! Actually, now that I've re-read the post, I realize that I did eat something cooked tonight. I thought I was going to be 100% raw, but that's ok though. At least it was whole food. I'm pretty sure they were lentels, with sauteed veggies! No problemo! It's exactly right now-->this time of night that gets me every time! Every f'n time lately! I get an urge to eat this late in the evening. It's been very frustrating doing it over and over and over again.

I am sleepy now...just catching up on idol. Should have come home and read, but writing now is definitely new for me. I kinda like documenting! It feels good!

Intake:
1 venti coffee
1/2 cup of coffee
1 apple
1 quart of orange juice
1 quart of juice/smoothy
handful of raw almonds
1 quart of sierra nevada
3 cups of lentels (amy gave me a second helping....it was actually pretty good)

New Year...New Aspirations

I'm back. Yes...it's me again. Back with more content for my blog! I know it's not much, but it is mine and I do like to write. Therefore, I shall write.

It's already February and this month is almost over with as well...Writing this late does make me sleepy. I suppose that's why I've decided to write now..I've did have some coffee this morning and i'm not too too tired...but as I sit her and type, i am feeling the pillow calling to me...this is a good thing

The no coffee new years resolution lasted approximately 14 days. 14 days is the longest i've gone without it for at least 3 years now. Not sure why it's such a struggle for me. I actually do know, but choose to believe that I will be able to drop the caffeine intake when I decide to. Ooooo, can it really be done. My intent is to write in my journal about this issue and others that have been a pain in my side for quite some time now. More on that issue and others later.

As always, it feels good to write. I plan on writing more and it starts tonight. ;-)

Did see the Justin Beber movie tonight. We all really liked it! I have a new appreciation for that kid! What a story!

Intake today:
3 cups of coffee (after a 2 day break)
1 apple
2 oranges
2 quarts of green smoothy
handful of almonds
2 slices of pizza (dinner)
some popcorn & sips of vitamin water
2 quarts of springwater
bowl of cereal (wheat chex) childhood favorite

That's it...pretty light day of eating considering. Tomorrow is a new day. I plan to drink more of my green juice and if I'm lucky abstain from cooked food tomorrow...I plan on going to Bikram Yoga tomorrow evening, so I will definitely be eating light prior to taking the class. No coffee tomorrow as welll. Will try and update more frequently for my own sake.

Namaste