End of Day 19

It's just about the tail end of my shift.  I work from 3-11pm Mon-Fri and I'm pooped.  The good news is, the day is almost of over and I made it another day of fasting.  Horray!  Today was a good day.  I did have a cup of coffee, but didn't finish it.  I probably had maybe 8oz.  I think the coffee accelerates the weird tongue feeling.  Maybe I'll drop the coffee starting tomorrow.  I figure almost 3 weeks in, I'd have dropped by now.  I just love everything about coffee; especially the caffeine high!  I would really like to drop it for a year and just do it!  Maybe tomorrow will be the day.

Overall, I've had a great day!  Intake was about 4 quarts total.  Some brothy soup from the cafeteria.   This weekend I plan to make a pot of broth.  It's really nice around dinner time.  

I had kind of a small BM today, but I did have one.  

I slept like a rock.  I had to get up earlier than usual.  In bed close to 1am last night and I was up at 6 to use the bathroom.  I went back to bed and I finally got up just after 7am.  I had very good energy all day!  

I'm wondering if and when my tongue/mouth film will get calm down.  That's the only downside to this fast is dealing with my mouth and tongue!   I've been brushing at least 3 - 4 times per day.

That's about it for an update.

--Doug

Day 18/19

Technically it's day 19 because it's after 12am.  ;-)  Just got done juicing 10 quarts of juice.  I have to pre-prepare my juice.  I don't have the time or energy to make juice every single day!  No no!  I completely wanted to come home and veg!  Not make juice.  It's done.  I'm good for a couple more days!  Feeling ok today.  Not as good as the last 2 days.  I really need to give up the morning Joe!  I just may drop it tomorrow.  The other day when I had Joe after being off for 2 days, I could not sleep!  I serously felt like I laid in bed all night and thought.  I'm sure I fell asleep around 3-4am, but I didn't feel great!  Anyhow...I took a coffee enema today.  That went way better than the first time 2 days prior.  I was able to empty the full 1.5 quarts in one fell swoop.  I think it helped that I had a bm just prior to doing the enema.  Ahhh....It felt really good to release.  It really felt like bile was realeased from the liver towards the end.

I'm pooped.   I wanted to get something written down, however!  I'll try and write daily or every other day.  I'm kind of surprised that I'm not really having any food cravings.  That's a good thing for sure!

Peace

Juice Fast: Day 17

Finally!  I made the time to sit down and write!  OMG!  I like it!  I just read my post from May 25th!  Awww!!  It made me sad and happy!  I'm happy that I wrote that day and am now re-reading it!  The content was kind of sad!  Anyhow....a lot has happened since that entry!  A LOT!  I truly am an addict and Alcoholic!  I hate that word:  alcoholic!  I think it's the label that erks me!  Anyhow, it's true that I'm powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable!  I absolutely admit that!  I'm sure it was too long after that post on May 25th that I re-lapsed from alcohol after almost 6 months of abstinence!  I've been overworking!  90 hour work weeks a and working almost 7 days a week for months now!  Business is good.  Too good!  And I took a drink to "take the edge off"!  I miss drinking red wine in the evening!  It helps me sleep and unwind!  A couple of beers!  What the hell!  Take it easy!  Take a load off!  Sierra Nevada...my favorite beer!  But alas....the craving tie one on was awoken and immanent!  That fact makes me uneasy!  I was fearful that I would do something under the influence that I could not undo!  Not to mention that drinking makes me lazy and I have way too much going on right now to not have all the energy I can muster!  Drinking is a distraction!  Anyhow...it wasn't my intention to write about drinking, but more on that topic on a later post!  New sobriety date is September 30, 2013!  I really want to keep this date!  I now have a great story that involves my children that I don't want to let go of!

Feeling very good today!  It's day 17 of my juice fast and I really feel like I will make the full 92 day goal!  OMG!  I've had this goal for years now!  I want it to be about more than just not eating, detoxing, and losing weight!  My intention to start this fast was to reset ME!

I'm already tired of writing.  I'm going to sign off for now, but I will give another update tomorrow!

Peace

Just for Today

Just for today, I will not drink coffee or any caffeinated beverages!  I need to take a break from this addictive substance!  My soul is screaming that she's ready to move past this addiction!  It is HUGE for me!

Just for today, I will not eat any gluten.  This is a food that I absolutely need to steer clear of!  This is another big.  I recently went off all gluten for almost 3 weeks!  It was awesome!  I shed some poundage!  I felt really really good!  It took almost 1.5 weeks before the cravings subsided!  I can't recall the exact food item that had gluten in it.....wait!  I do remember!  It was a fucking slice of pizza!  I actually regretted making that decision to eat that pizza!  I skipped my AA meeting to ingest gluten!  Kind of crazy!  It actually triggered the cravings again and I've been struggling to quit again ever since. It's been about 5-6 weeks now!  I've gained the weight back and I have reached the uncomfortable threshold that will hopefully give me the strength and courage to give this abstinent thing another try!

Gluten and coffee have to be my abstinent foods!

I want to start writing again!  Just for today I will blog about what's going on in my life!  I have lots to write about!  I was just thinking the other day about journaling and how it's kind of cool to document thoughts and ideas as well as what's happening today.  That I have had so many great ideas and experiences that I should have written down.  I rarely go back and re-read my posts.  I know I should....but when I do I always enjoy and appreciate the act of doing it!

I love my family!  I love my wife!  I love my daughters!  I want to write to them and also write about our lives...uhh....I'm not really sure what i mean!  I think I'll just write!  Maybe I'll get better at it and have more cohesive ideas that tell a good story!

Food intake today!  It was not good overall! I started the day with very good intentions!  I've woken up every morning for the last 1.5 weeks telling myself that I will not have that morning cup of joe!!  Every day, I've had at least 2-4 cups of very strong coffee!  It is the catalyst that allows me to eat foods that i absolutely do not want to eat!  It really is crazy thinking and behavior!  It's addictive!  I need OA or CA or some fucking 12 step program!  It really fucks with my head!!  Anyhow....tomorrow will be different!  I am sick and tired of eating shitty foods and drinking coffee!  I hate that I'm an addict and that I have little control over my will power to abstain!  I will choose to call on my GOD for strength in the morning!  I will also use the power of this blog to document my progress!  I do have some life goals that I would like to achieve and I know that coffee and food are a huge obstacle!

I am now getting tired and will stop writing!  I will be back tomorrow to write!

Just for today!  I'm done...

On Your Mark....

Get set......speaking of getting set....here I go again!  Back to basics.  It's late!  It's been some time since I've written anything!  Almost a year has gone by, but I'm feeling like it's time to get back to what I love to do...write/blog!  So Fun!  It is healing as well!  I need to make some changes again!  I think this is it! My new, new sobriety date is October 30, 2012!  It is late!  I just wanted to get some words down as I listen to Barack Obama's speech!  I'm happy that he was reelected tonight! I really need to change up my eating habits again!  Ultimately it's because I'm so fucking vain and I'm tired of being over 190 lbs!

11/7/2012  10:15pm

Anywhooo....That was last night.  It was just the boost that I needed to get back to writing again.  I did make it to a meeting tonight!  I did get a Bikram yoga class in as well!  I felt very strong and challenged myself to not drink any water til after camel pose.  Just knowing it was there was comforting.  I think if I did drink any sooner, it would have messed me up.  Mostly because of my intake 1 hour before the class!  The meeting was good!  I was a little late arriving, but not too late.  I think I'm going to start 90/90 today!  I feel like I really need to do that to kick start my sobriety!  I'm already thinking about drinking and smoking again and I know it's not what I want!   I want to get off this crazy merry-go-round!!!  I really really do!  Anyhow...i'm getting tired now, so I think I'll shoot an email off to my sponsor and ask to get started on the steps!

Namaste!

12/2/11

No caffeine today.  I ended up taking a nap before work @ 1:30 for 30min.  It appears to have done the trick.  Got lots of stuff done today in the office.  I was super productive. Feels really good to make progress there.  I'm such the procrastinator.  

Will hit Bikram Yoga tomorrow and should make the 10am OA meeting in Santa Clara.  I'm ready to find a sponsor and start working the steps there too.

12/3/11

Update: Next Day....ended up ordering pizza and bread sticks at work last night.  I think it pushed me over the edge.  I may have been feeling guilty or just fucking crazy and seriously was trying to think of a reason to use....get high and or drink a few beers.  I so wanted to just start over....in my mind I was going to make the deal that i will start fresh tomorrow and have the same sobriety date as my abstinent date...great idea!  Let's just fucking use tonight and start over, AGAIN, tomorrow...I was totally going to if my daughter would have only slept in my bed last night!  Sometimes she likes to sleep in our bed and I'll gladly take her bed, therefore, "getting away" with drinking or whatever!!!  But she didn't take the bait!  I obsessed on it for at least 4 hours while at work...any other night and I would have gone through with it even with a glass or two of vino to tuck me in...vino makes me sleepy...instead, I drove to the midnight AA meeting!  I started to make a recording on my iPhone to talk about my wanting to use and ended up screaming my lungs out and balling like a fucking baby!  Arghhhh!  I was so frustrated with being a fucking addict and not being fucking normal!!  Frustrated that I couldn't come up with a good enough reason to use and drink that night................OMG....it felt good to release that tension!  It was a very exhausting drive to the meeting, but I was so glad I went.  I heard a great message and was ready for bed when I got home!  Not before eating some more for good measure.

My new sobriety date just happens to be the date that my good fried passed away.  It wasn't my plan, but it's interesting because I've been trying to come up with a "cool date" since I relapsed.  My original date was April fools day 4/1/06.  I dunno, I thought it was a good date!  It was almost 4th of July of last year.  11/11/2011 would have been a good one!  Then Dan passed away and it just so happened that I intentionally planned to stop for good!  That's it!  No Joke!  One last time, again, to get high and drink some alcohol.  I even video taped the occasion.  I woke up feeling less than 100% but was 110% committed to be sober!  THIS TIME!  

Anyhow...I think I turned the corner in my sobriety!  I just need to get through the steps!...

Today was a completely different day than most other days!  I've pretty much fasted all day today on smoothies, green juice, oj/cran juice, and some coffee.....Yes, I did have some coffee.  I had quite the food fucking hangover this morning, I thought I'd have some coffee!  It was good and I thoroughly enjoyed it!  

I went to an OA meeting this morning and wash't feeling it!  I dunno!  Maybe I'll just my food issues and categorize them as a character defect, which they are, and ask god to remove them!  Progress not perfection.  Hmm.....this may work....

Tomorrow we go to the symphony!  Should be awesome!  More later!  

--Namaste

Tomorrow's a new day...

I proved it, yet again, that I'm unable to drink coffee and try and eat right or plan to fast.  I did that one other time, but that was a long time ago!  I had a coffee today after my job was complete around noon.  I know, I wasn't planning on having any coffee, EVER AGAIN, but I guess I wanted to try it again.  This may be the first time, that I've written about it post relapse.  Hey, at least it wasn't cannibis or alcohol.  My new sobriety date is growing on me.  Maybe tomorrow will be my new abstinence date!  We'll see!  I'm not planning on drinking coffee tomorrow.  Fuck that!  It was really good about 1 hour after drinking the coffee, but by the time I arrived back home, I already regretted drinking it.  I was still going to stick to my healthy eating plan, but by the time 5pm rolled around, I was already thinking about fried food and trying to suck up the caffeine with shitty foods!  Oh well, I did it again!  It really is like alcohol to me.  No matter how much health education I ingest into my mind.  No matter how much I really, really want and honestly desire to eat a certain, specific way; I'm having trouble trying to control my eating!  I really, really feel powerless over certain foods and it really makes my ego very very sad that I can't suck it up and stick to my program!  My sober brain looks at this as an opportunity for growth in the OA program.  My ego is so upset that I'm even thinking about needing help with my eating!  "What the fucks a matter with you that you fucking can't control your fucking eating!"   I was thinking about that today!  I guess I really am an addict to a lot of things!  I just don't want to continue to struggle with my weight!  Thank god I'm vane!  OMG!  Thank god I care about how I look!  I truly do!  I know I'm not alone here!  I sure hope I can help someone else with this terrible terrible fucking food issue!  OK....I'm done venting! More later!

--Namaste