Made a decision...

This is a first!   I'm about to go all in OMG!  But hey!  Whatever!  This post will be confusing to me if when I go back to re-read it.  This is the 3rd time attempting to finish this post initially started on 11/12/16.  I couldn't bear deleting my previous thoughts...;-0  

Anyhow, I was moved to post this video tonight while I was watching the documentary Be Here Now.  The main actor was shooting a lot of this type of recordings-->which I have many of.  I made a decision to go on  a 90 day Juice Cleanse starting tomorrow.  I will plan to document my progress daily, either by video or by text entry.  

Wish me luck!

Ok, I'll leave the Post title: Day 3 No Coffee & New Sobriety date!  I'm so funny!  I can't count how many "new Sobriety Dates" I've had since I went out in 2010?  I honestly have forgotten how long it's been.  All I know is I had 4 solid years, then slipped on some knee pain with Vicodin.  It's kind of a long winded story that I will attempt to document, but for some other time.  I just got off of work and and wanted to post something before I get too tired.  I haven't had anything to eat since I got off of work.  Maybe I won't!

For the record my new (and last) Sobriety Date is 12/11/16.  I'm coming up on 90 days clean from weed and alcohol.  I did step 3 today with my sponsor and I'm feeling really good!  Today I decide to turn my will and my life over to my higher power as I understand him!  That means I will pray everyday, more than once I'm sure, to ask my higher power to help direct me to better do His will, NOT MINE!  Food has been my biggest struggle for over 10 years now!  I'm so tired of obsessing and thinking about eating!  Especially junk food and Gluten!  So going forward, no more gluten and dairy.  These 2 items will be my no go...getting tired.

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I'm so excited to have started over again.  I guess that's the great thing about a new day is the chance to start over again.  Anyhow...I'm definitely over staring over again!  I say that with a wink and a smile.

My new Sobriety date is, Saturday, 11/12/16.  I chose that day because that was the day I made a firm commitment to myself at the Tony Robbins--Unleash The Power Within seminar!  So Amazing.  I had 4 areas that were limiting beliefs and Alcohol, food, and caffeine were one of the areas that I was carrying around this self fulfilling prophesy that I wasn't worthy and definitely not worthy enough to get sober from these addictive substances.  Anyhow...I feel liberated and stoked to be on my way to a different future than I was headed towards.

So far so good.  Day 3 has been pretty good thus far.  I will add a voice memo to this post from my drive home earlier this evening.  Yesterday I felt hung over still from the weekend.  What a weekend that was!  So intense!  Such an amazing and incredible experience that words can barely describe!!  Absolutely filled with gratitude for the gift of TR!

Just for Today

Just for today, I will not drink coffee or any caffeinated beverages!  I need to take a break from this addictive substance!  My soul is screaming that she's ready to move past this addiction!  It is HUGE for me!

Just for today, I will not eat any gluten.  This is a food that I absolutely need to steer clear of!  This is another big.  I recently went off all gluten for almost 3 weeks!  It was awesome!  I shed some poundage!  I felt really really good!  It took almost 1.5 weeks before the cravings subsided!  I can't recall the exact food item that had gluten in it.....wait!  I do remember!  It was a fucking slice of pizza!  I actually regretted making that decision to eat that pizza!  I skipped my AA meeting to ingest gluten!  Kind of crazy!  It actually triggered the cravings again and I've been struggling to quit again ever since. It's been about 5-6 weeks now!  I've gained the weight back and I have reached the uncomfortable threshold that will hopefully give me the strength and courage to give this abstinent thing another try!

Gluten and coffee have to be my abstinent foods!

I want to start writing again!  Just for today I will blog about what's going on in my life!  I have lots to write about!  I was just thinking the other day about journaling and how it's kind of cool to document thoughts and ideas as well as what's happening today.  That I have had so many great ideas and experiences that I should have written down.  I rarely go back and re-read my posts.  I know I should....but when I do I always enjoy and appreciate the act of doing it!

I love my family!  I love my wife!  I love my daughters!  I want to write to them and also write about our lives...uhh....I'm not really sure what i mean!  I think I'll just write!  Maybe I'll get better at it and have more cohesive ideas that tell a good story!

Food intake today!  It was not good overall! I started the day with very good intentions!  I've woken up every morning for the last 1.5 weeks telling myself that I will not have that morning cup of joe!!  Every day, I've had at least 2-4 cups of very strong coffee!  It is the catalyst that allows me to eat foods that i absolutely do not want to eat!  It really is crazy thinking and behavior!  It's addictive!  I need OA or CA or some fucking 12 step program!  It really fucks with my head!!  Anyhow....tomorrow will be different!  I am sick and tired of eating shitty foods and drinking coffee!  I hate that I'm an addict and that I have little control over my will power to abstain!  I will choose to call on my GOD for strength in the morning!  I will also use the power of this blog to document my progress!  I do have some life goals that I would like to achieve and I know that coffee and food are a huge obstacle!

I am now getting tired and will stop writing!  I will be back tomorrow to write!

Just for today!  I'm done...

Tomorrow's a new day...

I proved it, yet again, that I'm unable to drink coffee and try and eat right or plan to fast.  I did that one other time, but that was a long time ago!  I had a coffee today after my job was complete around noon.  I know, I wasn't planning on having any coffee, EVER AGAIN, but I guess I wanted to try it again.  This may be the first time, that I've written about it post relapse.  Hey, at least it wasn't cannibis or alcohol.  My new sobriety date is growing on me.  Maybe tomorrow will be my new abstinence date!  We'll see!  I'm not planning on drinking coffee tomorrow.  Fuck that!  It was really good about 1 hour after drinking the coffee, but by the time I arrived back home, I already regretted drinking it.  I was still going to stick to my healthy eating plan, but by the time 5pm rolled around, I was already thinking about fried food and trying to suck up the caffeine with shitty foods!  Oh well, I did it again!  It really is like alcohol to me.  No matter how much health education I ingest into my mind.  No matter how much I really, really want and honestly desire to eat a certain, specific way; I'm having trouble trying to control my eating!  I really, really feel powerless over certain foods and it really makes my ego very very sad that I can't suck it up and stick to my program!  My sober brain looks at this as an opportunity for growth in the OA program.  My ego is so upset that I'm even thinking about needing help with my eating!  "What the fucks a matter with you that you fucking can't control your fucking eating!"   I was thinking about that today!  I guess I really am an addict to a lot of things!  I just don't want to continue to struggle with my weight!  Thank god I'm vane!  OMG!  Thank god I care about how I look!  I truly do!  I know I'm not alone here!  I sure hope I can help someone else with this terrible terrible fucking food issue!  OK....I'm done venting! More later!

--Namaste

Days 1 thru 3-->No caffeine...

10:11am

So Far so good!  Had a good nights rest last night.  Slept pretty solid.  No coffee this am, and I'm not planning on having any today.  Shouldn't be a big struggle.  Day 1's typically aren't too big of an issue.  It's day 5, 6, and 7 that normally starting shouting at me that I need to get some coffee in my system.  That too is when I start feeling good!  Good thing I'm off today from my regular job.  I'm going to Bikram Yoga at noon.  I have a couple of appointments this afternoon with my side business.  Then plan on going to the 7pm AA meeting tonight.  I'll try and post later.  

Today's intake:

1 cup of chai tea

32oz of water
32oz of green smoothy
1 orange
Thanksgiving left overs
desert

I feel really good about not having any coffee today!  Very ready for bed right now.  Just wanted to get some text to the blog.

Bikram Yoga
Tried a different yoga studio today!  I was very disappointed, but happy that I know about the setup and all that Jazz.  I swear, my yoga studio totally rocks!  Not that I've been to that many studios, but the ones that I have gone too, were not as satisfying.  Every one of them were not as hot as our studio.  Funny thing is, that was before they upgraded their heating system.  You know you're going to sweat good when you go to Bikram in Santa Clara, CA!!  I could also complain about a few of our teachers, but the one today, was so weak!  I mean, come on...I want to hear the dialog.  I want to feel the dialog being spoken with intensity!  All of our instructors are just super passionate and it comes across in the way they speak the dialog.  I did sweat.  I did get a fairly good work out considering, I didn't have a mirror to look into to check my posture.  I was in front of the glass door, and could see only a slight reflection of myself in the glass!  Whatever!!  The humidifier in the room sounded like a diesel engine!  It was so loud, you could barely hear the instructor.  I dunno!  There are other studios I want to check out in the bay area, but I kinda don't want to waste my 90 minutes.  I have so little free time as it is!!  It's all good.  I just wanted to vent!

Day 2   No caffeine

Thought I'd combine my posts since I didn't actually post last night.  I was too tired by the time I got around to it.

Sleep was good last night.  It was really heavy.  I didn't roll out of bed til 9amish.  Got to bed around 12am last night.  I had some trippy dreams, that I've already forgotten mostly.  I do remember that flickster was in it!  Pretty odd....

I tried to make Bikram today, but my appointment ran over.  Oh well....for sure tomorrow!  I did end up napping on my break this evening.  Hopefully tomorrow will be the last of my afternoon / evening naps.  This is what coming off caffeine means to my body.  I get really lethargic for at least 3-4 days....and i fucking hate it!  I hate having low energy!  The key will be not to indulge after days 5-7 when I really get off on the caffeine high.  I'm tired of the up and downs.  Eventually, the caffeine stops working as well as it did when I go off for several days then start again.  It's amazing what plays in my head after being off for a while.  I get these triggers and most of the time I act on them.  I will try to remember to meditate and take some deep breaths.  Maybe I'll take Bella on a rollerblade or bounce on my trampoline to get my lymph system circulating.

Day 3 No caffeine

I didn't publish this last night so I thought I'd just continue with status update.

Slept in again this morning.  Had a good restful sleep last night.  I remember my wife pushing me to roll over.  I was snoring/breathing loudly.  I'm wondering if I start eating more cleanly as well as not eating so late and losing weight will arrest my snoring!  I hate that she nudges me so often because of that issue.   I'm actually planning on fasting for a few days on green juice and smoothies.  I'd like to drop a few pounds before Mexico.  So far so good today.

Intake:

64oz of water
10oz chai tea
48oz of green smoothy


Bikram Yoga was awesome today.  Super hot!  Excellent instructor!  It was so challenging getting through the class, but I did!  Taking the day off tomorrow.  I have an customer to see in San Francisco and will most likely not have time.  Maybe I'll catch a noon meeting there or somewhere in between.  Plan on going to the midnight meeting tonight at SNL.  I'm glad I got an early night tonight.

I did end up having to take a nap tonight at break time.  Hopefully I won't have to tomorrow night.  I've had mostly good energy this evening.  I was a little tired just before noon yoga gave me some good energy.  Hope to have more tomorrow.

Terrible Eating day

Exercise: Bikram Yoga

Intake yesterday: (do I dare, report!)

1 serving chicken terriyake from trader joes
1 peanut butter choc chip cookie
1 apple turnover
1 choc cover donut
1.75 pieces of cheese pizza
1 bag of lays barbecue chips
1 bowl of cereal (cocoa puffs)
1/4 piece of cinnabun
1/2 bowl of soup
2 quarts of water
1 quart of green juice/smoothy

OMG...that's a lot of crap, I know. Not good! Good thing today is a new day and I get to start over...My intention is to start living my ideals and values more consistently. I keep thinking that I can do this on my own...without the help of Overeaters Anonymous! Is it my ego that tells me that we can do it? I so want to start living my life with intention and purpose....I feel like I'm straying too far from where I want to go and to where I've been! I feel better when my diet is more clean!

I've been playing around with a new idea I'm calling New Rules! The rule of New Rules is for me to start living by the New Rule that follows the rule. i.e., New Rule: No coffee today or No coffee for 3 days...then follow it to the letter...No Matter What!! I guess I can put the rule here vs. my hard copy journal. I like writing, but typing is so much more fluid and easier for me to do! Not to mention its more convenient. So what's my New Rule for today?

OK "Let's do THiS:

New Rule:
No processed crap! Eat only raw unprocessed foods just for today. NO MATTER WHAT!

I plan to have one more cup of coffee and that will be it as far as! I'll update my progress later today.

So, the deal is, I have to do this. New Rules needs to have meaning in my life! Otherwise, I have to admit I really don't have control! So...we will see!

12:32am, Update:
So this is great, so far so good! Actually, now that I've re-read the post, I realize that I did eat something cooked tonight. I thought I was going to be 100% raw, but that's ok though. At least it was whole food. I'm pretty sure they were lentels, with sauteed veggies! No problemo! It's exactly right now-->this time of night that gets me every time! Every f'n time lately! I get an urge to eat this late in the evening. It's been very frustrating doing it over and over and over again.

I am sleepy now...just catching up on idol. Should have come home and read, but writing now is definitely new for me. I kinda like documenting! It feels good!

Intake:
1 venti coffee
1/2 cup of coffee
1 apple
1 quart of orange juice
1 quart of juice/smoothy
handful of raw almonds
1 quart of sierra nevada
3 cups of lentels (amy gave me a second helping....it was actually pretty good)