I'm BAAAACK!!

Yes indeed!  I'm back!  This time I feel like it's for good!  OMG!  I'm such a loser, fat, fucking fuck-up!  JK..LOL...Not really!   This is how I sometimes think of myself, but I truly do love myself and want the best for me and my family!  I have a fucking dis-order.  I actually have several fucking disorders that I'm unable to control with pure will power.  I've tried.  GOD seriously knows that I've tried so many different techniques and nothing has really worked for me!  I take that back.  The one tried and true, for me, are the 12 steps of AA, NA, OA and MA!  I'm a fucking addict to so many things, I've been working on trying to figure out just what it is that I'm trying to cover up or numb out to.  I haven't smoked any weed this year.  Although, I've come close to entertaining the idea, I just haven't made the time to partake in that adventure.  I know how the tape plays out.  I've just been dabbling in a little alcohol and lots of food!  Food that I know is bad for me.  It really pisses me off that I have all this knowledge about health and nutrition that I still abuse the junk food processed really bad stuff!  Anyhow...I'm over that.   I've been gluten free for 3 full days now.  I've been sober from alcohol since September 20, 2014.  I'm done!  I'm so done!  I'm 47 years old and I've hated the trajectory I've been on the last several years.  It's time for me to make a change to get me back on the path to a happy and joyous life.  I miss writing.  My goal is to start writing again to document my life in a not so public forum, such as Facebook.  I will try and write about my diet, sobriety, spirituality, aches and pains.  I was recently diagnosed as pre-diabetic, which really pisses me off!  Err...motivates me to get that under control.  Anyhow...enough out of me for now.

I did get to Bikram Yoga today.

I have an auto-immune flare up on my right side of my foot.  On a scale of 1-10, it's a  6-7 to touch.  It's been bothering me for 3 days now.  I just took 4 advil to hopefully reduce the pain so I can get out of bed in the morning and go to bootcamp!

Namaste

Juice Fast: Day 17

Finally!  I made the time to sit down and write!  OMG!  I like it!  I just read my post from May 25th!  Awww!!  It made me sad and happy!  I'm happy that I wrote that day and am now re-reading it!  The content was kind of sad!  Anyhow....a lot has happened since that entry!  A LOT!  I truly am an addict and Alcoholic!  I hate that word:  alcoholic!  I think it's the label that erks me!  Anyhow, it's true that I'm powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable!  I absolutely admit that!  I'm sure it was too long after that post on May 25th that I re-lapsed from alcohol after almost 6 months of abstinence!  I've been overworking!  90 hour work weeks a and working almost 7 days a week for months now!  Business is good.  Too good!  And I took a drink to "take the edge off"!  I miss drinking red wine in the evening!  It helps me sleep and unwind!  A couple of beers!  What the hell!  Take it easy!  Take a load off!  Sierra Nevada...my favorite beer!  But alas....the craving tie one on was awoken and immanent!  That fact makes me uneasy!  I was fearful that I would do something under the influence that I could not undo!  Not to mention that drinking makes me lazy and I have way too much going on right now to not have all the energy I can muster!  Drinking is a distraction!  Anyhow...it wasn't my intention to write about drinking, but more on that topic on a later post!  New sobriety date is September 30, 2013!  I really want to keep this date!  I now have a great story that involves my children that I don't want to let go of!

Feeling very good today!  It's day 17 of my juice fast and I really feel like I will make the full 92 day goal!  OMG!  I've had this goal for years now!  I want it to be about more than just not eating, detoxing, and losing weight!  My intention to start this fast was to reset ME!

I'm already tired of writing.  I'm going to sign off for now, but I will give another update tomorrow!

Peace

Just for Today

Just for today, I will not drink coffee or any caffeinated beverages!  I need to take a break from this addictive substance!  My soul is screaming that she's ready to move past this addiction!  It is HUGE for me!

Just for today, I will not eat any gluten.  This is a food that I absolutely need to steer clear of!  This is another big.  I recently went off all gluten for almost 3 weeks!  It was awesome!  I shed some poundage!  I felt really really good!  It took almost 1.5 weeks before the cravings subsided!  I can't recall the exact food item that had gluten in it.....wait!  I do remember!  It was a fucking slice of pizza!  I actually regretted making that decision to eat that pizza!  I skipped my AA meeting to ingest gluten!  Kind of crazy!  It actually triggered the cravings again and I've been struggling to quit again ever since. It's been about 5-6 weeks now!  I've gained the weight back and I have reached the uncomfortable threshold that will hopefully give me the strength and courage to give this abstinent thing another try!

Gluten and coffee have to be my abstinent foods!

I want to start writing again!  Just for today I will blog about what's going on in my life!  I have lots to write about!  I was just thinking the other day about journaling and how it's kind of cool to document thoughts and ideas as well as what's happening today.  That I have had so many great ideas and experiences that I should have written down.  I rarely go back and re-read my posts.  I know I should....but when I do I always enjoy and appreciate the act of doing it!

I love my family!  I love my wife!  I love my daughters!  I want to write to them and also write about our lives...uhh....I'm not really sure what i mean!  I think I'll just write!  Maybe I'll get better at it and have more cohesive ideas that tell a good story!

Food intake today!  It was not good overall! I started the day with very good intentions!  I've woken up every morning for the last 1.5 weeks telling myself that I will not have that morning cup of joe!!  Every day, I've had at least 2-4 cups of very strong coffee!  It is the catalyst that allows me to eat foods that i absolutely do not want to eat!  It really is crazy thinking and behavior!  It's addictive!  I need OA or CA or some fucking 12 step program!  It really fucks with my head!!  Anyhow....tomorrow will be different!  I am sick and tired of eating shitty foods and drinking coffee!  I hate that I'm an addict and that I have little control over my will power to abstain!  I will choose to call on my GOD for strength in the morning!  I will also use the power of this blog to document my progress!  I do have some life goals that I would like to achieve and I know that coffee and food are a huge obstacle!

I am now getting tired and will stop writing!  I will be back tomorrow to write!

Just for today!  I'm done...

12/2/11

No caffeine today.  I ended up taking a nap before work @ 1:30 for 30min.  It appears to have done the trick.  Got lots of stuff done today in the office.  I was super productive. Feels really good to make progress there.  I'm such the procrastinator.  

Will hit Bikram Yoga tomorrow and should make the 10am OA meeting in Santa Clara.  I'm ready to find a sponsor and start working the steps there too.

12/3/11

Update: Next Day....ended up ordering pizza and bread sticks at work last night.  I think it pushed me over the edge.  I may have been feeling guilty or just fucking crazy and seriously was trying to think of a reason to use....get high and or drink a few beers.  I so wanted to just start over....in my mind I was going to make the deal that i will start fresh tomorrow and have the same sobriety date as my abstinent date...great idea!  Let's just fucking use tonight and start over, AGAIN, tomorrow...I was totally going to if my daughter would have only slept in my bed last night!  Sometimes she likes to sleep in our bed and I'll gladly take her bed, therefore, "getting away" with drinking or whatever!!!  But she didn't take the bait!  I obsessed on it for at least 4 hours while at work...any other night and I would have gone through with it even with a glass or two of vino to tuck me in...vino makes me sleepy...instead, I drove to the midnight AA meeting!  I started to make a recording on my iPhone to talk about my wanting to use and ended up screaming my lungs out and balling like a fucking baby!  Arghhhh!  I was so frustrated with being a fucking addict and not being fucking normal!!  Frustrated that I couldn't come up with a good enough reason to use and drink that night................OMG....it felt good to release that tension!  It was a very exhausting drive to the meeting, but I was so glad I went.  I heard a great message and was ready for bed when I got home!  Not before eating some more for good measure.

My new sobriety date just happens to be the date that my good fried passed away.  It wasn't my plan, but it's interesting because I've been trying to come up with a "cool date" since I relapsed.  My original date was April fools day 4/1/06.  I dunno, I thought it was a good date!  It was almost 4th of July of last year.  11/11/2011 would have been a good one!  Then Dan passed away and it just so happened that I intentionally planned to stop for good!  That's it!  No Joke!  One last time, again, to get high and drink some alcohol.  I even video taped the occasion.  I woke up feeling less than 100% but was 110% committed to be sober!  THIS TIME!  

Anyhow...I think I turned the corner in my sobriety!  I just need to get through the steps!...

Today was a completely different day than most other days!  I've pretty much fasted all day today on smoothies, green juice, oj/cran juice, and some coffee.....Yes, I did have some coffee.  I had quite the food fucking hangover this morning, I thought I'd have some coffee!  It was good and I thoroughly enjoyed it!  

I went to an OA meeting this morning and wash't feeling it!  I dunno!  Maybe I'll just my food issues and categorize them as a character defect, which they are, and ask god to remove them!  Progress not perfection.  Hmm.....this may work....

Tomorrow we go to the symphony!  Should be awesome!  More later!  

--Namaste