Made a decision...

This is a first!   I'm about to go all in OMG!  But hey!  Whatever!  This post will be confusing to me if when I go back to re-read it.  This is the 3rd time attempting to finish this post initially started on 11/12/16.  I couldn't bear deleting my previous thoughts...;-0  

Anyhow, I was moved to post this video tonight while I was watching the documentary Be Here Now.  The main actor was shooting a lot of this type of recordings-->which I have many of.  I made a decision to go on  a 90 day Juice Cleanse starting tomorrow.  I will plan to document my progress daily, either by video or by text entry.  

Wish me luck!

Ok, I'll leave the Post title: Day 3 No Coffee & New Sobriety date!  I'm so funny!  I can't count how many "new Sobriety Dates" I've had since I went out in 2010?  I honestly have forgotten how long it's been.  All I know is I had 4 solid years, then slipped on some knee pain with Vicodin.  It's kind of a long winded story that I will attempt to document, but for some other time.  I just got off of work and and wanted to post something before I get too tired.  I haven't had anything to eat since I got off of work.  Maybe I won't!

For the record my new (and last) Sobriety Date is 12/11/16.  I'm coming up on 90 days clean from weed and alcohol.  I did step 3 today with my sponsor and I'm feeling really good!  Today I decide to turn my will and my life over to my higher power as I understand him!  That means I will pray everyday, more than once I'm sure, to ask my higher power to help direct me to better do His will, NOT MINE!  Food has been my biggest struggle for over 10 years now!  I'm so tired of obsessing and thinking about eating!  Especially junk food and Gluten!  So going forward, no more gluten and dairy.  These 2 items will be my no go...getting tired.

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I'm so excited to have started over again.  I guess that's the great thing about a new day is the chance to start over again.  Anyhow...I'm definitely over staring over again!  I say that with a wink and a smile.

My new Sobriety date is, Saturday, 11/12/16.  I chose that day because that was the day I made a firm commitment to myself at the Tony Robbins--Unleash The Power Within seminar!  So Amazing.  I had 4 areas that were limiting beliefs and Alcohol, food, and caffeine were one of the areas that I was carrying around this self fulfilling prophesy that I wasn't worthy and definitely not worthy enough to get sober from these addictive substances.  Anyhow...I feel liberated and stoked to be on my way to a different future than I was headed towards.

So far so good.  Day 3 has been pretty good thus far.  I will add a voice memo to this post from my drive home earlier this evening.  Yesterday I felt hung over still from the weekend.  What a weekend that was!  So intense!  Such an amazing and incredible experience that words can barely describe!!  Absolutely filled with gratitude for the gift of TR!

I'm Baaack...AGAIN!

Interesting!  It's been a little over a year since my last entry!  Very interesting.  Also, re-reading my last entry!   Quite telling!  Hmm....How quickly I soon forget!  It is so interesting and fascinating to me to re-read about how I was feeling on my last post.  I'm still very busy, however, since it's already November 19, my side business is slowing down for me to catch my breathe and focus on me and my other interests.

Over the past year I've been listening to a lot of Rich Roll podcast.  I love it.  I love his interview style.  I like how articulate he is and how he interviews his guests.  He has many guests that I look up to and admire.  Most are extremely motivational in a very positive way.  I re-listened to his interview with John Joseph and am making a commitment right now, to go 100% vegan and to eat mostly raw!  Yes, it is official.  I'm recommitting here and now!  I will document here on my progress!

Interestingly, I was having dinner with my co-worker, whom I admire for his commitment to fitness.  He commented on how he was contemplating going vegan.  Our conversation continued on the various issues regarding eating meat.  i.e., factory farming, green house gasses, water consumption, un-sustainability...  I shared with him about Rich Roll and his podcast and turned him on to several guests that are into fitness and are thriving on a plant based diet.

Embarrassingly, my co-worker asked me about my experimentation with veganism, and raw foods.  I was embarrassed because I was partaking in the food that our department had on day shift.  They barbecued meat from costco in addition to other highly processed foods.  I was indulging my food addict in me.  I had to admit that I was eating the food because of my addiction.  I actually visualized myself passing on the food in the department earlier in the day.  It's never satisfying 30 minutes post!!  Never!  I hate the way I feel/felt!  I want to be the change!  I will use this as a catalyst for change!  OMG!  I AM READY!

Sitting here full and in silence typing away.  I'm happy to be sharing my experience strength and hope!  I so want tomorrow to be here already, because my tummy is full and uncomfortable.  I think I weighed 197lbs today.  My goal weight is 177lbs.  That would be so cool, if I could maintain that weight!  Anyhow...

I haven't had any flare ups in the last several weeks.  I've been waiting for something to rear it's ugly head.  Actually, my left thumb is has been sore for 2.5 days now.  I've taken advil for the last 2 days.  Very small flare up that I'm grateful for!

Anyway...!  Feels good to be writing again.

Peace / Plants...

I'm BAAAACK!!

Yes indeed!  I'm back!  This time I feel like it's for good!  OMG!  I'm such a loser, fat, fucking fuck-up!  JK..LOL...Not really!   This is how I sometimes think of myself, but I truly do love myself and want the best for me and my family!  I have a fucking dis-order.  I actually have several fucking disorders that I'm unable to control with pure will power.  I've tried.  GOD seriously knows that I've tried so many different techniques and nothing has really worked for me!  I take that back.  The one tried and true, for me, are the 12 steps of AA, NA, OA and MA!  I'm a fucking addict to so many things, I've been working on trying to figure out just what it is that I'm trying to cover up or numb out to.  I haven't smoked any weed this year.  Although, I've come close to entertaining the idea, I just haven't made the time to partake in that adventure.  I know how the tape plays out.  I've just been dabbling in a little alcohol and lots of food!  Food that I know is bad for me.  It really pisses me off that I have all this knowledge about health and nutrition that I still abuse the junk food processed really bad stuff!  Anyhow...I'm over that.   I've been gluten free for 3 full days now.  I've been sober from alcohol since September 20, 2014.  I'm done!  I'm so done!  I'm 47 years old and I've hated the trajectory I've been on the last several years.  It's time for me to make a change to get me back on the path to a happy and joyous life.  I miss writing.  My goal is to start writing again to document my life in a not so public forum, such as Facebook.  I will try and write about my diet, sobriety, spirituality, aches and pains.  I was recently diagnosed as pre-diabetic, which really pisses me off!  Err...motivates me to get that under control.  Anyhow...enough out of me for now.

I did get to Bikram Yoga today.

I have an auto-immune flare up on my right side of my foot.  On a scale of 1-10, it's a  6-7 to touch.  It's been bothering me for 3 days now.  I just took 4 advil to hopefully reduce the pain so I can get out of bed in the morning and go to bootcamp!

Namaste

Emily--Co-pilot

Day 23

I'm so busy there's hardly anytime for me to post.  Most days I'm too wiped by the time I get home @ 11:30 pm.  Lately I crawl into bed 15 min after I get home!

Last night I had to juice.  I made 7 quarts of green juice and 3 quarts of grapefruit juice.  I finally made it to bed by 1:20am.

The last several days, I've had very good energy overall.  The tongue film has finally subsided!  OMG!  My least favorite part of fasting is the god awful tongue and mouth film!  Yuck!  I'm still having a cup of coffee in the morning.  I need to drop this habit!  Maybe tomorrow.  I don't think it's doing anything for me at this point in the fast!  

I've lost 17 pounds since day 1.  I was at 199lbs.  When I weighed myself on Monday, I was 182 lbs.  I still have at least 10 more pounds of visceral fat to shed!  It is so disgusting.  I hate the fat that accumulates around my mid section!  It's been way to easy for me to throw on a loose fitting t-shirt to drape over the bulges!!  I prefer to tuck in my t-shirt.  It makes me feel better about myself!  Anyhow, these are just personal observations and goals I have.  I'm confident I will achieve my main objective to lose the weight and start anew!  

My favorite thing about fasting is sleep!  I love going to sleep at the end of the day!  I really feel like I sleep more heavily!  That my body is doing some serious house cleaning!  I always wake up feeling like it did some good work.  I feel like I dream more.  Last night's dream was a bit heavy.  I need to write about it!

Bathroom Details:
I did make time for a coffee enema today.  The last one I did was at least 2 days ago.  I inserted about 1250 ml of coffee and water.  I was able to hold it for at least 7 minutes.  The goal is to hold it for 12-15 minutes.  It's proving to be quite challenging to hold it any longer.  I did manage to have a BM just prior to doing the enema.  It looked like it had been in my body for some time....lots of mucus came out with the stool.

Dream:

Side note:  I did watch Drugs Inc last night.  It was about the meth trade in the bay area.  It showed folks smoking meth in glass pipes and craziness!

End of Day 19

It's just about the tail end of my shift.  I work from 3-11pm Mon-Fri and I'm pooped.  The good news is, the day is almost of over and I made it another day of fasting.  Horray!  Today was a good day.  I did have a cup of coffee, but didn't finish it.  I probably had maybe 8oz.  I think the coffee accelerates the weird tongue feeling.  Maybe I'll drop the coffee starting tomorrow.  I figure almost 3 weeks in, I'd have dropped by now.  I just love everything about coffee; especially the caffeine high!  I would really like to drop it for a year and just do it!  Maybe tomorrow will be the day.

Overall, I've had a great day!  Intake was about 4 quarts total.  Some brothy soup from the cafeteria.   This weekend I plan to make a pot of broth.  It's really nice around dinner time.  

I had kind of a small BM today, but I did have one.  

I slept like a rock.  I had to get up earlier than usual.  In bed close to 1am last night and I was up at 6 to use the bathroom.  I went back to bed and I finally got up just after 7am.  I had very good energy all day!  

I'm wondering if and when my tongue/mouth film will get calm down.  That's the only downside to this fast is dealing with my mouth and tongue!   I've been brushing at least 3 - 4 times per day.

That's about it for an update.

--Doug

Day 18/19

Technically it's day 19 because it's after 12am.  ;-)  Just got done juicing 10 quarts of juice.  I have to pre-prepare my juice.  I don't have the time or energy to make juice every single day!  No no!  I completely wanted to come home and veg!  Not make juice.  It's done.  I'm good for a couple more days!  Feeling ok today.  Not as good as the last 2 days.  I really need to give up the morning Joe!  I just may drop it tomorrow.  The other day when I had Joe after being off for 2 days, I could not sleep!  I serously felt like I laid in bed all night and thought.  I'm sure I fell asleep around 3-4am, but I didn't feel great!  Anyhow...I took a coffee enema today.  That went way better than the first time 2 days prior.  I was able to empty the full 1.5 quarts in one fell swoop.  I think it helped that I had a bm just prior to doing the enema.  Ahhh....It felt really good to release.  It really felt like bile was realeased from the liver towards the end.

I'm pooped.   I wanted to get something written down, however!  I'll try and write daily or every other day.  I'm kind of surprised that I'm not really having any food cravings.  That's a good thing for sure!

Peace

Juice Fast: Day 17

Finally!  I made the time to sit down and write!  OMG!  I like it!  I just read my post from May 25th!  Awww!!  It made me sad and happy!  I'm happy that I wrote that day and am now re-reading it!  The content was kind of sad!  Anyhow....a lot has happened since that entry!  A LOT!  I truly am an addict and Alcoholic!  I hate that word:  alcoholic!  I think it's the label that erks me!  Anyhow, it's true that I'm powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable!  I absolutely admit that!  I'm sure it was too long after that post on May 25th that I re-lapsed from alcohol after almost 6 months of abstinence!  I've been overworking!  90 hour work weeks a and working almost 7 days a week for months now!  Business is good.  Too good!  And I took a drink to "take the edge off"!  I miss drinking red wine in the evening!  It helps me sleep and unwind!  A couple of beers!  What the hell!  Take it easy!  Take a load off!  Sierra Nevada...my favorite beer!  But alas....the craving tie one on was awoken and immanent!  That fact makes me uneasy!  I was fearful that I would do something under the influence that I could not undo!  Not to mention that drinking makes me lazy and I have way too much going on right now to not have all the energy I can muster!  Drinking is a distraction!  Anyhow...it wasn't my intention to write about drinking, but more on that topic on a later post!  New sobriety date is September 30, 2013!  I really want to keep this date!  I now have a great story that involves my children that I don't want to let go of!

Feeling very good today!  It's day 17 of my juice fast and I really feel like I will make the full 92 day goal!  OMG!  I've had this goal for years now!  I want it to be about more than just not eating, detoxing, and losing weight!  My intention to start this fast was to reset ME!

I'm already tired of writing.  I'm going to sign off for now, but I will give another update tomorrow!

Peace

Just for Today

Just for today, I will not drink coffee or any caffeinated beverages!  I need to take a break from this addictive substance!  My soul is screaming that she's ready to move past this addiction!  It is HUGE for me!

Just for today, I will not eat any gluten.  This is a food that I absolutely need to steer clear of!  This is another big.  I recently went off all gluten for almost 3 weeks!  It was awesome!  I shed some poundage!  I felt really really good!  It took almost 1.5 weeks before the cravings subsided!  I can't recall the exact food item that had gluten in it.....wait!  I do remember!  It was a fucking slice of pizza!  I actually regretted making that decision to eat that pizza!  I skipped my AA meeting to ingest gluten!  Kind of crazy!  It actually triggered the cravings again and I've been struggling to quit again ever since. It's been about 5-6 weeks now!  I've gained the weight back and I have reached the uncomfortable threshold that will hopefully give me the strength and courage to give this abstinent thing another try!

Gluten and coffee have to be my abstinent foods!

I want to start writing again!  Just for today I will blog about what's going on in my life!  I have lots to write about!  I was just thinking the other day about journaling and how it's kind of cool to document thoughts and ideas as well as what's happening today.  That I have had so many great ideas and experiences that I should have written down.  I rarely go back and re-read my posts.  I know I should....but when I do I always enjoy and appreciate the act of doing it!

I love my family!  I love my wife!  I love my daughters!  I want to write to them and also write about our lives...uhh....I'm not really sure what i mean!  I think I'll just write!  Maybe I'll get better at it and have more cohesive ideas that tell a good story!

Food intake today!  It was not good overall! I started the day with very good intentions!  I've woken up every morning for the last 1.5 weeks telling myself that I will not have that morning cup of joe!!  Every day, I've had at least 2-4 cups of very strong coffee!  It is the catalyst that allows me to eat foods that i absolutely do not want to eat!  It really is crazy thinking and behavior!  It's addictive!  I need OA or CA or some fucking 12 step program!  It really fucks with my head!!  Anyhow....tomorrow will be different!  I am sick and tired of eating shitty foods and drinking coffee!  I hate that I'm an addict and that I have little control over my will power to abstain!  I will choose to call on my GOD for strength in the morning!  I will also use the power of this blog to document my progress!  I do have some life goals that I would like to achieve and I know that coffee and food are a huge obstacle!

I am now getting tired and will stop writing!  I will be back tomorrow to write!

Just for today!  I'm done...

On Your Mark....

Get set......speaking of getting set....here I go again!  Back to basics.  It's late!  It's been some time since I've written anything!  Almost a year has gone by, but I'm feeling like it's time to get back to what I love to do...write/blog!  So Fun!  It is healing as well!  I need to make some changes again!  I think this is it! My new, new sobriety date is October 30, 2012!  It is late!  I just wanted to get some words down as I listen to Barack Obama's speech!  I'm happy that he was reelected tonight! I really need to change up my eating habits again!  Ultimately it's because I'm so fucking vain and I'm tired of being over 190 lbs!

11/7/2012  10:15pm

Anywhooo....That was last night.  It was just the boost that I needed to get back to writing again.  I did make it to a meeting tonight!  I did get a Bikram yoga class in as well!  I felt very strong and challenged myself to not drink any water til after camel pose.  Just knowing it was there was comforting.  I think if I did drink any sooner, it would have messed me up.  Mostly because of my intake 1 hour before the class!  The meeting was good!  I was a little late arriving, but not too late.  I think I'm going to start 90/90 today!  I feel like I really need to do that to kick start my sobriety!  I'm already thinking about drinking and smoking again and I know it's not what I want!   I want to get off this crazy merry-go-round!!!  I really really do!  Anyhow...i'm getting tired now, so I think I'll shoot an email off to my sponsor and ask to get started on the steps!

Namaste!

12/2/11

No caffeine today.  I ended up taking a nap before work @ 1:30 for 30min.  It appears to have done the trick.  Got lots of stuff done today in the office.  I was super productive. Feels really good to make progress there.  I'm such the procrastinator.  

Will hit Bikram Yoga tomorrow and should make the 10am OA meeting in Santa Clara.  I'm ready to find a sponsor and start working the steps there too.

12/3/11

Update: Next Day....ended up ordering pizza and bread sticks at work last night.  I think it pushed me over the edge.  I may have been feeling guilty or just fucking crazy and seriously was trying to think of a reason to use....get high and or drink a few beers.  I so wanted to just start over....in my mind I was going to make the deal that i will start fresh tomorrow and have the same sobriety date as my abstinent date...great idea!  Let's just fucking use tonight and start over, AGAIN, tomorrow...I was totally going to if my daughter would have only slept in my bed last night!  Sometimes she likes to sleep in our bed and I'll gladly take her bed, therefore, "getting away" with drinking or whatever!!!  But she didn't take the bait!  I obsessed on it for at least 4 hours while at work...any other night and I would have gone through with it even with a glass or two of vino to tuck me in...vino makes me sleepy...instead, I drove to the midnight AA meeting!  I started to make a recording on my iPhone to talk about my wanting to use and ended up screaming my lungs out and balling like a fucking baby!  Arghhhh!  I was so frustrated with being a fucking addict and not being fucking normal!!  Frustrated that I couldn't come up with a good enough reason to use and drink that night................OMG....it felt good to release that tension!  It was a very exhausting drive to the meeting, but I was so glad I went.  I heard a great message and was ready for bed when I got home!  Not before eating some more for good measure.

My new sobriety date just happens to be the date that my good fried passed away.  It wasn't my plan, but it's interesting because I've been trying to come up with a "cool date" since I relapsed.  My original date was April fools day 4/1/06.  I dunno, I thought it was a good date!  It was almost 4th of July of last year.  11/11/2011 would have been a good one!  Then Dan passed away and it just so happened that I intentionally planned to stop for good!  That's it!  No Joke!  One last time, again, to get high and drink some alcohol.  I even video taped the occasion.  I woke up feeling less than 100% but was 110% committed to be sober!  THIS TIME!  

Anyhow...I think I turned the corner in my sobriety!  I just need to get through the steps!...

Today was a completely different day than most other days!  I've pretty much fasted all day today on smoothies, green juice, oj/cran juice, and some coffee.....Yes, I did have some coffee.  I had quite the food fucking hangover this morning, I thought I'd have some coffee!  It was good and I thoroughly enjoyed it!  

I went to an OA meeting this morning and wash't feeling it!  I dunno!  Maybe I'll just my food issues and categorize them as a character defect, which they are, and ask god to remove them!  Progress not perfection.  Hmm.....this may work....

Tomorrow we go to the symphony!  Should be awesome!  More later!  

--Namaste

Tomorrow's a new day...

I proved it, yet again, that I'm unable to drink coffee and try and eat right or plan to fast.  I did that one other time, but that was a long time ago!  I had a coffee today after my job was complete around noon.  I know, I wasn't planning on having any coffee, EVER AGAIN, but I guess I wanted to try it again.  This may be the first time, that I've written about it post relapse.  Hey, at least it wasn't cannibis or alcohol.  My new sobriety date is growing on me.  Maybe tomorrow will be my new abstinence date!  We'll see!  I'm not planning on drinking coffee tomorrow.  Fuck that!  It was really good about 1 hour after drinking the coffee, but by the time I arrived back home, I already regretted drinking it.  I was still going to stick to my healthy eating plan, but by the time 5pm rolled around, I was already thinking about fried food and trying to suck up the caffeine with shitty foods!  Oh well, I did it again!  It really is like alcohol to me.  No matter how much health education I ingest into my mind.  No matter how much I really, really want and honestly desire to eat a certain, specific way; I'm having trouble trying to control my eating!  I really, really feel powerless over certain foods and it really makes my ego very very sad that I can't suck it up and stick to my program!  My sober brain looks at this as an opportunity for growth in the OA program.  My ego is so upset that I'm even thinking about needing help with my eating!  "What the fucks a matter with you that you fucking can't control your fucking eating!"   I was thinking about that today!  I guess I really am an addict to a lot of things!  I just don't want to continue to struggle with my weight!  Thank god I'm vane!  OMG!  Thank god I care about how I look!  I truly do!  I know I'm not alone here!  I sure hope I can help someone else with this terrible terrible fucking food issue!  OK....I'm done venting! More later!

--Namaste

Days 1 thru 3-->No caffeine...

10:11am

So Far so good!  Had a good nights rest last night.  Slept pretty solid.  No coffee this am, and I'm not planning on having any today.  Shouldn't be a big struggle.  Day 1's typically aren't too big of an issue.  It's day 5, 6, and 7 that normally starting shouting at me that I need to get some coffee in my system.  That too is when I start feeling good!  Good thing I'm off today from my regular job.  I'm going to Bikram Yoga at noon.  I have a couple of appointments this afternoon with my side business.  Then plan on going to the 7pm AA meeting tonight.  I'll try and post later.  

Today's intake:

1 cup of chai tea

32oz of water
32oz of green smoothy
1 orange
Thanksgiving left overs
desert

I feel really good about not having any coffee today!  Very ready for bed right now.  Just wanted to get some text to the blog.

Bikram Yoga
Tried a different yoga studio today!  I was very disappointed, but happy that I know about the setup and all that Jazz.  I swear, my yoga studio totally rocks!  Not that I've been to that many studios, but the ones that I have gone too, were not as satisfying.  Every one of them were not as hot as our studio.  Funny thing is, that was before they upgraded their heating system.  You know you're going to sweat good when you go to Bikram in Santa Clara, CA!!  I could also complain about a few of our teachers, but the one today, was so weak!  I mean, come on...I want to hear the dialog.  I want to feel the dialog being spoken with intensity!  All of our instructors are just super passionate and it comes across in the way they speak the dialog.  I did sweat.  I did get a fairly good work out considering, I didn't have a mirror to look into to check my posture.  I was in front of the glass door, and could see only a slight reflection of myself in the glass!  Whatever!!  The humidifier in the room sounded like a diesel engine!  It was so loud, you could barely hear the instructor.  I dunno!  There are other studios I want to check out in the bay area, but I kinda don't want to waste my 90 minutes.  I have so little free time as it is!!  It's all good.  I just wanted to vent!

Day 2   No caffeine

Thought I'd combine my posts since I didn't actually post last night.  I was too tired by the time I got around to it.

Sleep was good last night.  It was really heavy.  I didn't roll out of bed til 9amish.  Got to bed around 12am last night.  I had some trippy dreams, that I've already forgotten mostly.  I do remember that flickster was in it!  Pretty odd....

I tried to make Bikram today, but my appointment ran over.  Oh well....for sure tomorrow!  I did end up napping on my break this evening.  Hopefully tomorrow will be the last of my afternoon / evening naps.  This is what coming off caffeine means to my body.  I get really lethargic for at least 3-4 days....and i fucking hate it!  I hate having low energy!  The key will be not to indulge after days 5-7 when I really get off on the caffeine high.  I'm tired of the up and downs.  Eventually, the caffeine stops working as well as it did when I go off for several days then start again.  It's amazing what plays in my head after being off for a while.  I get these triggers and most of the time I act on them.  I will try to remember to meditate and take some deep breaths.  Maybe I'll take Bella on a rollerblade or bounce on my trampoline to get my lymph system circulating.

Day 3 No caffeine

I didn't publish this last night so I thought I'd just continue with status update.

Slept in again this morning.  Had a good restful sleep last night.  I remember my wife pushing me to roll over.  I was snoring/breathing loudly.  I'm wondering if I start eating more cleanly as well as not eating so late and losing weight will arrest my snoring!  I hate that she nudges me so often because of that issue.   I'm actually planning on fasting for a few days on green juice and smoothies.  I'd like to drop a few pounds before Mexico.  So far so good today.

Intake:

64oz of water
10oz chai tea
48oz of green smoothy


Bikram Yoga was awesome today.  Super hot!  Excellent instructor!  It was so challenging getting through the class, but I did!  Taking the day off tomorrow.  I have an customer to see in San Francisco and will most likely not have time.  Maybe I'll catch a noon meeting there or somewhere in between.  Plan on going to the midnight meeting tonight at SNL.  I'm glad I got an early night tonight.

I did end up having to take a nap tonight at break time.  Hopefully I won't have to tomorrow night.  I've had mostly good energy this evening.  I was a little tired just before noon yoga gave me some good energy.  Hope to have more tomorrow.

Feeling good today

Heeeey!  Thought I'd write a little before bed.  It's been an interesting last couple of weeks!  Everything is good and I'm grateful to be sober today!  Well, at least sober from alcohol and cannibis.  (side note: Funny that the word cannibis is indicated as being mis-spelled, but it safari doesn't' have an alternate word...not that i care)  My intention is to get myself to an OA meeting very soon!  I feel like I'm ready to take a step in the direction of food addiction recovery!  OMG, I appear to very powerless over some foods and caffeine!  Granted to today was our family's day to celebrate Thanksgiving with an excellent meal and shared with some good friends!  But, I've been feeling like this for some time.  I feel like recovery from alcohol and pot must also include some recovery from other addictive substances that consume my brain.  I so want to be free from my desire to use addictively and to really feel the natural energy that I have internally!  Lately, I've been spending $7 a day on starbucks coffee---> 1 venti coffee and 1 venti eggnog late...I'm starting to develop a tolerance for this amount and it's not having the desired effects that I get when, say, i've been off of caffeine for a few days then drink again!  It seems like i've been on this roller coaster ride for some time.  I've been trying to "control" my intake!  I've been trying to read healthy books, listen to healthy podcasts, purchase healthy foods and supplements only to fail miserably with my latest and greatest plan!  I'm getting tired and feeling sick and tired!  I feel like I'm ready let go and humbly ask for help!  My ego tells me i can do it myself, FUCK THAT!  YOU CAN DO IT!!  LoSER!! Fuck head!  Whatever!  I'm so over it!  I'm ready to stop driving the bus!

I've been regularly attending meetings in AA as 12am.  I get off at 11pm and it's a great way for me to get a meeting in before I end the day!  My days are packed!  I feel like if I ate better I'd get more done as well!  Why not ask for help!  All I'm going to do is work the 12 steps of OA with a someone that is doing the as well!  I think today was my 5 meeting in a row!  It's amazing how the 12 programs work!  I feel so much better!   OK...I'm tired...my plan tomorrow is not to have any coffee!  I will try and post more often!

Boy Oh Boy

Better late than never! Yes...I'm back! I like saying that! I haven't re-read my previous posts in some time, but the last few that I glanced at I observed those words "i'm back" in the first paragraph. Well it's true I guess! I should totally be writing more! I really should be documenting my crazy ideas that go on in my head! Maybe it will help me or someone (like my family) understand me better! So here I go...I'm going to write a little bit and hopefully I will build on the momentum!

Here we go! It's no secret that I struggle from addiction! I'm addicted to alcohol, food, and coffee! I struggle with my mind about being perfect! Perfect is probably too strong of a word. But ever since I became a father, I have struggled to be the best parent I can be! I believe the reason I sought help from my drinking was because of my girls! Uhh....not sure where I'm going with this...I think I could write a novel with this stuff, but I'm not going to now...putting on the breaks....I'll conitue this story some other time.

Thank god I have a strong understanding wife! She's absolutely amazing in every way! She's not perfect! NOBODY is perfect! No way!! Not even god! What??? More on that some other day, maybe! lol...anywhoo...I started drinking again over a year ago June?? I can honestly say, that I didn't think it was going to be this hard getting back to not drinking. Yes it's been hard! I love the effect of alcohol. Too bad there are consequences to drinking too much! Otherwise, I'd be all in all the time! Fuck hangovers! I hate them and therefore, I'm making another, final, resolve to abstain! No mas! I'm done! Finito! I will start going back to AA meetings to supplement, my powerful mind! If I drink again, I will not take another toke of MJ! No I won't! I will have proven to myself that all roads lead back to the allure of the drink! It's not a death sentence! It's a great way to live! I used to love going to AA meetings! I don't think MJ is a problem for me and plan to only use it very sparingly! I will honestly report back my adventures in regards to alcohol, MJ, food, coffee and the like!

Yes, I need to get everything on the table and document my feelings, thoughts, and actions. In addition to random musings and writings. I do hope this will be of some value to my girls some day!

Yesterday, I did go to a BK yoga class! It felt so good to get back there! I'm so grateful it wasn't a hot class! It only felt mildly hot! It had been over 2 weeks since my last class, so I knew it should have been tougher! I love Bikram Yoga! I love how much I sweat! I love that it strengthens my back as well as my core! God give me strength and motivation to get my butt in a class more often! I was going to the 7am class frequently! At least a few days a week. That's after working

Starting a new

It's me! I'm back! I am still alive! The good news is I've been 100% raw all day today! Yahoo! I am tired however and don't know how long this post will be. A lot going on in my life in general. I am sober today and it feels really good! I plan on keeping this sobriety date! Its just a few days shy of my 1 year since I broke my abstinence with alchohol! Definitely a big deal! I'm so tired! I'm so tired of drinking and hiding my drinking and worrying about who's going to catch me and all the stuff that goes along with being an alcoholic with 4 + years of AA! It's not fun! I did have some fun...but mostly it was taking me away from real life! So more of my story to come...but for now I just wanted to post something....Again....I love writing my thoughts in a public forum such as this! So here it is! More to come! I should be 100% raw tomorrow as well. If I'm lucky I'll get to Bikram!

Namaste!
'

Fuck the Rules

Yes...I guess I've tried lots of ideas and gimmiks to try and gain control of my addictions. I've come to the sad or, more importantly, liberating conclusion that I am powerless over everything in my life! I'm Especially powerless over food and alcohol!

New Rules Needed

Yes, today is/was Oscar night and I knew I'd be going to a party so I decided not to have any rules! I did have some coffee today, so I'm pretty wired after not having any for a couple of days. This is how I roll! The caffeine buzz is more intense than if I were to have it daily! Certainly enjoyed my brew today! It was a beautiful day around here! I got to go to San Francisco for a few hours. I was at my customer's place and when I walked in, I could smell the aroma of coffee. Hmmmm.....I wasn't planning on having any, but when it was graciously offered, I accepted. Ahhhh...twas good to the last drop.

Unfortunately, I was unable to get to exercise today, but Bikram tomorrow for sure.

New Rules:
No Coffee for 45 days starting tomorrow!
Start 30 day Bikram challenge tomorrow!
Eat only unrefined, unprocessed, whole foods for 45 days starting tomorrow

I think this is a good set of rules to live by for the next 30 - 45 days. My goal is to drop at least 10 lbs for starters. Ultimately, my long term goal is to be in the low 180's. I'm currently at 202 lbs. I'm very tired of the extra weight I've been holding onto for months. In addition to losing weight, I'd like to get my body back to optimum homeostasis. I'm tired of the flareups that I've had the last several weeks; both knees, my right shoulder, last night the top of my right foot. Auto-immune disease! Fuck that! I need to start testing my food/flare up theory. And so this set of new rules will be a good step in the right direction!

Intake:
1 quart of spring water
1 quart of grapefruit/spring water juice
1 venti coffee
1 1/2 c of coffee
1 banana
couple of cups of soda
random fingerfoods at party

Ok...I'll check in tomorrow and update then!

--Cheers

So Far So Good

I've done really well today and am very please with my intake overall. The day is about over and I'm about to make myself my late night snack treat. I had this last night and it really hit the spot and have been looking forward to it since about 6pm. My creation is sliced bananas in a bowl, topped with honey, add granola, 3/4c of yogurt and thawed blueberries from the freezer. So yummy!

Intake:
1 quart of water
1 apple
handful of raw almonds
1 orange
steamed asparagus with feta and sauteed mushrooms
1 hard boiled egg
2 quarts of green smoothy (mixed with 50% green juice)
banana yogurt treat

I was struggling earlier. I was craving more cooked food. I listened to and watched some inspirational videos and talks from my favorite raw food peeps. I love listening to Daniel Vitalis, David Wolfe, Anthony Anderson, Jason Wrobrel, Patrick Tempone, and the host of Natural News. I'm so glad I got through today. I didn't write down any New Rules earlier, so that gave me an opening to eat bad things, but I'm tired of it. I'm ready to change! Writing helps!

Terrible Eating day

Exercise: Bikram Yoga

Intake yesterday: (do I dare, report!)

1 serving chicken terriyake from trader joes
1 peanut butter choc chip cookie
1 apple turnover
1 choc cover donut
1.75 pieces of cheese pizza
1 bag of lays barbecue chips
1 bowl of cereal (cocoa puffs)
1/4 piece of cinnabun
1/2 bowl of soup
2 quarts of water
1 quart of green juice/smoothy

OMG...that's a lot of crap, I know. Not good! Good thing today is a new day and I get to start over...My intention is to start living my ideals and values more consistently. I keep thinking that I can do this on my own...without the help of Overeaters Anonymous! Is it my ego that tells me that we can do it? I so want to start living my life with intention and purpose....I feel like I'm straying too far from where I want to go and to where I've been! I feel better when my diet is more clean!

I've been playing around with a new idea I'm calling New Rules! The rule of New Rules is for me to start living by the New Rule that follows the rule. i.e., New Rule: No coffee today or No coffee for 3 days...then follow it to the letter...No Matter What!! I guess I can put the rule here vs. my hard copy journal. I like writing, but typing is so much more fluid and easier for me to do! Not to mention its more convenient. So what's my New Rule for today?

OK "Let's do THiS:

New Rule:
No processed crap! Eat only raw unprocessed foods just for today. NO MATTER WHAT!

I plan to have one more cup of coffee and that will be it as far as! I'll update my progress later today.

So, the deal is, I have to do this. New Rules needs to have meaning in my life! Otherwise, I have to admit I really don't have control! So...we will see!

12:32am, Update:
So this is great, so far so good! Actually, now that I've re-read the post, I realize that I did eat something cooked tonight. I thought I was going to be 100% raw, but that's ok though. At least it was whole food. I'm pretty sure they were lentels, with sauteed veggies! No problemo! It's exactly right now-->this time of night that gets me every time! Every f'n time lately! I get an urge to eat this late in the evening. It's been very frustrating doing it over and over and over again.

I am sleepy now...just catching up on idol. Should have come home and read, but writing now is definitely new for me. I kinda like documenting! It feels good!

Intake:
1 venti coffee
1/2 cup of coffee
1 apple
1 quart of orange juice
1 quart of juice/smoothy
handful of raw almonds
1 quart of sierra nevada
3 cups of lentels (amy gave me a second helping....it was actually pretty good)