12/2/11

No caffeine today.  I ended up taking a nap before work @ 1:30 for 30min.  It appears to have done the trick.  Got lots of stuff done today in the office.  I was super productive. Feels really good to make progress there.  I'm such the procrastinator.  

Will hit Bikram Yoga tomorrow and should make the 10am OA meeting in Santa Clara.  I'm ready to find a sponsor and start working the steps there too.

12/3/11

Update: Next Day....ended up ordering pizza and bread sticks at work last night.  I think it pushed me over the edge.  I may have been feeling guilty or just fucking crazy and seriously was trying to think of a reason to use....get high and or drink a few beers.  I so wanted to just start over....in my mind I was going to make the deal that i will start fresh tomorrow and have the same sobriety date as my abstinent date...great idea!  Let's just fucking use tonight and start over, AGAIN, tomorrow...I was totally going to if my daughter would have only slept in my bed last night!  Sometimes she likes to sleep in our bed and I'll gladly take her bed, therefore, "getting away" with drinking or whatever!!!  But she didn't take the bait!  I obsessed on it for at least 4 hours while at work...any other night and I would have gone through with it even with a glass or two of vino to tuck me in...vino makes me sleepy...instead, I drove to the midnight AA meeting!  I started to make a recording on my iPhone to talk about my wanting to use and ended up screaming my lungs out and balling like a fucking baby!  Arghhhh!  I was so frustrated with being a fucking addict and not being fucking normal!!  Frustrated that I couldn't come up with a good enough reason to use and drink that night................OMG....it felt good to release that tension!  It was a very exhausting drive to the meeting, but I was so glad I went.  I heard a great message and was ready for bed when I got home!  Not before eating some more for good measure.

My new sobriety date just happens to be the date that my good fried passed away.  It wasn't my plan, but it's interesting because I've been trying to come up with a "cool date" since I relapsed.  My original date was April fools day 4/1/06.  I dunno, I thought it was a good date!  It was almost 4th of July of last year.  11/11/2011 would have been a good one!  Then Dan passed away and it just so happened that I intentionally planned to stop for good!  That's it!  No Joke!  One last time, again, to get high and drink some alcohol.  I even video taped the occasion.  I woke up feeling less than 100% but was 110% committed to be sober!  THIS TIME!  

Anyhow...I think I turned the corner in my sobriety!  I just need to get through the steps!...

Today was a completely different day than most other days!  I've pretty much fasted all day today on smoothies, green juice, oj/cran juice, and some coffee.....Yes, I did have some coffee.  I had quite the food fucking hangover this morning, I thought I'd have some coffee!  It was good and I thoroughly enjoyed it!  

I went to an OA meeting this morning and wash't feeling it!  I dunno!  Maybe I'll just my food issues and categorize them as a character defect, which they are, and ask god to remove them!  Progress not perfection.  Hmm.....this may work....

Tomorrow we go to the symphony!  Should be awesome!  More later!  

--Namaste

Tomorrow's a new day...

I proved it, yet again, that I'm unable to drink coffee and try and eat right or plan to fast.  I did that one other time, but that was a long time ago!  I had a coffee today after my job was complete around noon.  I know, I wasn't planning on having any coffee, EVER AGAIN, but I guess I wanted to try it again.  This may be the first time, that I've written about it post relapse.  Hey, at least it wasn't cannibis or alcohol.  My new sobriety date is growing on me.  Maybe tomorrow will be my new abstinence date!  We'll see!  I'm not planning on drinking coffee tomorrow.  Fuck that!  It was really good about 1 hour after drinking the coffee, but by the time I arrived back home, I already regretted drinking it.  I was still going to stick to my healthy eating plan, but by the time 5pm rolled around, I was already thinking about fried food and trying to suck up the caffeine with shitty foods!  Oh well, I did it again!  It really is like alcohol to me.  No matter how much health education I ingest into my mind.  No matter how much I really, really want and honestly desire to eat a certain, specific way; I'm having trouble trying to control my eating!  I really, really feel powerless over certain foods and it really makes my ego very very sad that I can't suck it up and stick to my program!  My sober brain looks at this as an opportunity for growth in the OA program.  My ego is so upset that I'm even thinking about needing help with my eating!  "What the fucks a matter with you that you fucking can't control your fucking eating!"   I was thinking about that today!  I guess I really am an addict to a lot of things!  I just don't want to continue to struggle with my weight!  Thank god I'm vane!  OMG!  Thank god I care about how I look!  I truly do!  I know I'm not alone here!  I sure hope I can help someone else with this terrible terrible fucking food issue!  OK....I'm done venting! More later!

--Namaste